Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows to high..
She looked surprised
I don’t trust people who do acupuncture.
They’re all backstabbers
Not all math puns are terrible.
Just sum.
My daughter said she literally can’t even…
… so that’s odd.
Only one person can stop LeBron
That's LeBrain….
I have a fear of overly complicated buildings
I have a complex complex complex
People would want to program more if this were the tutorials they get on python
https://ift.tt/36muIe7
How do you sneak up on celery?
You stalk it.
My New Years resolution is to lose weight.
So I'm off to the paint store since everyone seems to get thinner here.
This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.
It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her. I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.
I went to the doctor and told him I couldn’t hear through one ear..
Doc: "Are you sure?" Me: "…I'm Definite."
I don’t often tell Dad jokes…
But when I do, he usually laughs.
The man who created autocorrect has died.
Restaurant in peace.
My daughter was trying to convince me that the dress she was going out in wasn’t slutty,
but I saw right through it.
What do you call an emo accapello group?
Self Harmony
Peeing yourself in public is like being in Love
Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.
The bible is the greatest story ever told.
And to hell with anyone who doesn’t believe me.
Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
No picture cause idk what I’m doing
Me: Has autoimmune diseaseMy immune system: Im gonna do what’s called a pro gamer move
What do websites and people have in common?
They both use cookies to improve their performance
There are two reasons you shouldn’t drink toilet water
Number one, and number two
A bullet says he quit his job
He was actually fired
Did you know the titanic was the biggest whore in all the seven seas?
Everyone went down on her
Dad, I know how to stay awake for 8 days!
It's easy, I just sleep during the nights. *(disclaimer — this dadjoke was delivered deadpan by my daughter. She is truly becoming a master)
Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
Me: sipping toast Why?
I’ve finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position
It all.
The title says it all.