“Nobody knows how to build like me”
A JFK conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him. "Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully." Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Who really shot Kennedy?" God replies, "Lee Harvey Oswald shot him from sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository. There were no accomplices. He acted alone" The conspiracy theorist pauses, thinks to himself, then says "Shit! This goes higher up than I thought…"
A black guy in an library asked me where the colored printer was
I said "Sir, this is 2020. You can use any printer you want".
My son said he always gets tired after using his phone for too long.
I heard they got a nap for that.
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank coffee before it was cool
A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, “Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time.”
The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot. WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture — soon, he's been on every animal on the farm. The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer wakes up the next morning to find Randy laid out flat in the middle of the yard, buzzards circling overhead. The sad farmer shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself." Randy opens one eye, winks, and nods towards the sky, "Shhh, they're getting closer."
What does orange juice and my dad have in common?
They both slap harder when mixed with alcohol.
You should invest in these stocks:
Chicken, vegetable, and beef. You’ll be a bouillonaire in no time.
Why’s there no original content on this site anymore?
because everyone's already Redd-it
A flat-earther’s greatest fear is…
Sphere itself.
Why is a group of crows called a “murder”?
because there's probable caws
Why don’t aliens come to our solar system?
They checked our ratings. One star.
With the recent spike in sex toy purchases because of corona virus, I can only draw one conclusion.
The virus is literally making us go fuck ourselves.
When is a door not a door?
When it’s ajar.
One of my favourite words in the English language is “frequently”.
I try to use it as often as possible.
I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal
Elongate would be really drawn out.
I decided to learn sign language.
It’s surprisingly very handy.
I’m addicted to ordering hatchets from other countries because of the smell.
I love foreign axe scents.
I walked into the library and asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia.
She said: "They're right behind you."
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have little anty bodies
The teacher can’t figure out who’s eating and interrupting them
The teacher can’t figure out who’s eating and interrupting them
Why is 6 afraid of 7? (The answer is not what you are thinking)
Not what you are thinking.
People tell me that my phone is more powerful than the computer that put astronauts on the moon.
Yet when I use my phone to navigate it will tell me to turn when there is no turn. But I guess it makes sense since there aren’t a lot of turns between Earth and the Moon.
Why was the grape arrested?
He did a sult-ana
What happened when two silkworms challenged each other to a race?
It ended in a tie! 👔
If a rooster in China climbs to the top of a pagoda…
And the town sorceress Wei observes that last night the stars were aligned with the White Tiger, And she sees the sun rising over Turtle Mountain to the east, And she notices the roof on which the rooster sits is made of Earth, And she feels the cold wind blowing north, chilling the Metal in her bones, And she hears the rumbling of a fiery thunderstorm in the south, And her hungry servant reminds her they have no more chickens–only that one rooster left–and roosters don't lay eggs, so can he buy some rice or must he eat the moldy five-day-old egg roll? Witch Wei willed the egg roll.
For those with poor vision. The good news is that in less than 12 hours…
You’ll all be seeing 2020
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.
More on this after the break.
How often do people die in hospitals?
Just once.
My dad’s birthday is today (12/14/45). To him and all other dads and dad-like figures out there…
….thank you for the dad jokes. They may not all make us die laughing and some we've heard you tell a million times over, but the one thing they have in common is that they're told in kindness and they put a little smile on our faces. And living in this crazy world, that's a very good thing. I love you dad.
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep…
That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly…
and as you can see, they were Wright.
My wife refuses to have sex with me until I stop referring to my penis by different nicknames
I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands
I was 16 minutes late for my first math lecture, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third.
At this rate, I’ll never be there on time.
Please don’t make any more jokes about the Coronavirus…
My friend has it and it's serious. He got it from a tick bite… It's the first reported case of Corona with Lyme.