Nobody: Reddit
A Bartender walks into a bar.
*Bart's life flashes before his eyes as he's mercilessly shot four times in the chest*
What makes a good tongue twister?
Well, itβs hard to say.
What do you call Muslim chili peppers?
Halalapenos
My boss fired me for cracking to many Asian jokes.
It ended my Korea.
Geology rocks …
but geography is where itβs at!!
I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment
So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead
A man walked into a bar on the 100th floor of a building, chugged a pint, then jumped out of an open window.
Ten minutes later, with no injuries, he ran back into the bar, chugged a pint, then jumped out of the same window. When he returned ten minutes later, a man asked him how he survived. βYou see, alcohol makes you warmer and heat rises. So if you chug a pint really quickly then concentrate really hard as you fall, you temporarily float just before you hit the ground.β The man was so amazed that he too chugged a pint even faster than the other man, then jumped out of the window. He fell and fell and fell… and then landed on the ground with a splat. He died instantly. The bartender then turned to the man in the bar and said, βYouβre such a dick when youβre drunk, Superman.β
What did the grape say when it was crushed?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
What kind of tie does a cloud wear?
A Rain Bow tie.
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
What happened when the butcher backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray
"Is this good for wasps?" he asked the assistant. "No, it kills them."
Why is suicide illegal in China?
Destruction of government property
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised…
My dad took me to an Apple store to buy me an iPhone 11
Me: "Please don't fart here." Dad: "Why?" Me: "Because they don't have Windows."
My 7/yo sister said this at the dinner table while me and my dad were talking: What did one paper say to the other?
Nothing. Paper doesn't talk. That's how I want you to be. Like paper.
Why don’t Jews eat pussy?
It's too close to the gas chamber. Edit: Jesus Christ, look at that, I got silver! Not 30 pieces, but anyway.
Last night I lost my watch at a party.
Later on I saw some guy harassing a woman while standing on it, so I walked up and punched him in the face. Nobody does that to a woman…. not on my watch
What do you call cows that have a sense of humor?
Laughing stock
When my friend said I knew nothing about Asia..
…I ran out of there like a bull in a japan shop.
I went out with a girl who reminded me of a plate.
She was a dish
Schrodinger gets pulled over by the cops and they do a search of his car.
Cop: Did you know you have a dead cat in your trunk? Schrodinger: I do now.
Why are there no Walmarts in Afghanistan?
Because they're all Targets.
Blind man goes for surgery
A man blind from birth hears about new surgery that can give him sight. He goes to the doctor who tells him he can do the surgery. He asks if being able to see will have any negative impacts on his life. "Well," the doctor says. "You won't be able to maintain an erection." "Is that a common side effect from the surgery," the blind man asks. "No," says the doctor. "It's just that your wife is ugly."
I saw my son scratching his knee
I asked him if he had a 123. Confused, he looked at me and asked what I meant. I stared back and said, you have an ichi ni san.
I, for one
Like Roman numerals
Women treat me like God.
My existence is ignored except for when they need something.
I have a scary joke to tell you about maths
But Iβm 2Β² to tell it!
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance…
Weβll see about that…
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to change a light bulb?
To get to the other side!
Think you’re having a bad day? At least you’re not this guy texting his boss…
https://ift.tt/2wG4vKf
The sweater I got for Christmas was picking up static electricity. So I went to the store to return it.
They gave me another one. Free of charge.