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A polar bear
A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing-747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO….." She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "BE SILENT!" There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting,"OEING! OEING! OEING! OE…."
Apparently, keeping it to yourself.
Now that I listen to full albums, I hardly leave the house.
They looked at the reviews… Only 1 star.
Son – “No, it is cotton. Here,” as he reaches his arm out to me and I touch his sleeve. Dad – “It’s felt now.”
Wife-Can you be serious for a minute? Me-*grins* Ok and you be Shirley Wife-I'm serious! Me-Shirley you can't be Serious, I'm Serious This actually happened. 🙂
Tickets are non-refundable…
Because they have a supreme ruler.
The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
He said it was his pleasure.
I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
As he was dying he kept telling us "be positive, be positive!" But it's gonna be really hard without him.
No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee.
Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence
I simply told her “This umbrella is mine. Go get your own.”
It's easy, if you make B leave.
Plagiarism. I just made up that word.
Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday…
When he would look perfectly natural dressed as an orange.
But this ones on the house
Cop 2: Hate crime? Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.
Fruit flies like a banana.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Because they make up everything.
Without missing a beat I responded, "because you're heating for two now." I then proceeded to laugh at my own joke. I feel like I'm prepared for my future as a dad.
He said, "It's Private." I said, "Come on, you can tell me."
Now they have to yell "Donald, Duck!"
Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed. "Well," one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, "why don't we attend Mass?" "Sure," replies his friend. "But we don't know how the French pray and we can't speak French!" The first guy thinks for a minute. "I have an idea. We'll pick a guy in front of us, and whatever he does, we'll do." His friend agrees. They enter the church, sit close to the front, and choose a guy. Fifteen minutes pass, and their plan is working well. Thirty minutes, no issues. By the time forty-five minutes pass, they've gotten used to the routine. Suddenly, while everyone is seated, the priest says something in French and the gentleman they chose stands up. Without thinking, the two Americans stand up as well. The church bursts into hard laughter. Realizing that no one else is standing up, the two Americans sit down quickly, before deciding to just leave in embarrassment. They wait for the Mass to end, and then approach the priest, who happened to speak English as part of his vocation. "We're really well-meaning people- we don't speak French and just chose some guy to imitate while praying," one says. The priest chuckles. "Ah. You're probably wondering why everyone laughed at you." "Yes," replied the other American. "Well, you see, I announced the Baptism of a child… and asked for the father of the child to stand up."