Nobody uses flairs anymore. Best practice is to use titles.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.
But hay, it’s in my jeans.
What do they put in IPhone batteries?
Apple juice
My girlfriend just admitted she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her.
It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.
How do you make chocolate milk?
By shredding brown crayon and putting it in a blender with milk!
I got mugged by six dwarves last night
Not Happy.
Cockroaches are found to be capable in surviving a nuclear holocaust, but if you swat it with a newspaper it would die instantly
This shows how toxic the media is
I’m developing a phobia for German sausages.
I fear the wurst.
Why does Mr. T drive a Tesla?
Because he pities the fuel.
I hear it’s easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods
It's more difficult to deter gents though
As a doctor, I never make a joke about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.
How do the doctors treat mesothelioma?
Asbestos they can!
A leaf and an emo fall from a tree. Who hits the ground first?
The leaf. The rope stopped the emo.
Knock knock, who’s there?
Smelmop Smelmop Who?
I was about to tell a joke about unemployment
but it needs some work
My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her…
I said, “Nah, it’s probably womb temperature.”
Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
He got a Nobel prize.
Joseph Stalin is giving a speech to his army.
When all of the sudden in the midst of a paticularly moving segment, he hears a loud, uproarious sneeze coming from amongst the crowd. Stalin stops speaking, glares at the soldiers, becomes very visibly annoyed, and says "Who sneezed?…" All of the soldiers don't say anything, some of them start to sweat and others nervously glance around. After a brief moment Stalin motions towards a few soldiers with him on the stage. "Execute the first row…" he commands, and the soldiers on stage begin opening fire at the first row of troops on the ground. "I'll ask again, who sneezed?" says Stalin. Another pause, and no one speaks up. Finally Stalin says "Execute the…" but before he can finish, a soldier about 4 rows back raises his hand and says "It was me General Secretary Stalin! I'm the one who sneezed." Stalin then stares cold and hard at the soldier who spoke up for an uncomfortable amount of time, before he leans towards his microphone and says "Bless you."
Why are horses no fun?
Because they are neigh-sayers
Last night i used Vaseline with my wife and came 10 times
Once with her and 9 in the shower trying to wash it off
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife
He says to the doctor, “Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.” “Well,” the doctor replied, “go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn’t reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we’ll get an idea about the severity of her deafness.” Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off standing about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping up some chicken and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks loudly, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” She replies, “For the fourth fuckin time, chicken!”
Why is Sunday stronger than Monday?
Because Monday is a weekday…
I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.
It was a risk I was willing to take.
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects ‘fuck’ to ‘duck.
You're still using fowl language.
Once long ago, a fisherman heard beautiful singing while he was alone a at sea.
He followed the enchanting voice till he came upon a singing yellowfin tuna. He knew he had found something incredible. He caught the fish, kept it alive and returned home. He showed his friends and posted videos on tik tok, and the singing fish went viral. It could sing almost anything, but Pavarotti was it's favorite. The fisherman toured around the world with the fish and set up a website to sell merch. The clothing he made sold like crazy, so he ordered thousands of short sleeve shirts to be made in advance. Unfortunately, the fish died, and the public lost interest. The fisherman was left with endless opera tuna tees.
What do you call a fart joke that’s been pushed to far?
A shitty joke.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks
Did you hear about the dyslexic satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for fresh prints.
So I was building a fence the other day
It went up without any problems, but I was worried the whole time that it would insult me. because it was so offensive.
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor the first day I was hired.
Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
I bought a Dog off a Blacksmith the other day…
As soon as I got him home he made a Bolt for the Door.
Is buttcheeks one word?
Or should I spread them apart?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the idiots house. Knock Knock. Who's there? Bawk Bawk Bawkaw
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?
BECAUSE THEN IT WOULD BE A FOOT!