Nobody’s knows more about border disputes than me.
People always tell me I’m condescending
(That means talking down to people)
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination?
HAND EEEEYYYYEEEEEEEE
My favorite sex position is called “WOW”…
It’s when I flip your MOM over.
My kids ask me why I always knock on the refrigerator door before I open it.
I say, "Because there may be a salad dressing."
Nurse: I’m going to deliver the baby
Me: Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver
“What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
A ba-na-na-na."
Two drunk men walked in to a brothels m (NSFW)
Two piss-drunk men visited a brothel. The madam takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms. These guys are too drunk to notice. After finishing their act, on their way back……… 1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noise or made a move. Upon this, the 2nd drunk says: Mine was worse……. I think she was a witch!!! 1st drunk: Why would you say that??? 2nd drunk: Well i gave her a little love bite on her bum…..She farted in my face and flew out of the window! Edit: wow! Frontpage. This blew up like the doll! I can't correct the typos. My apologies.
Justice is a dish best served cold because…
…if it were served warm, it would be justwater…
My wife asked me “Where’d you learn to make ice cream so well?”
Me: “Sundae School.”
My Uncle Harry died after drinking a bottle of furniture polish
It was a sad end, but a beautiful finish!
Why do chicken coops have two doors
If they had four they would be chicken sedans
I just ate a frozen apple
It was hardcore
There were 2 fly’s on a toilet seat.
One got pissed off.
Regardless of price, Velcro is always a rip off
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What’s the difference between Keanu and a bakery thief?
Keanu is breathtaking, the other one is breadtaking.
Man: I’ve been shot!
Random dad: How can I help you? Man: Call me an ambulance! Random dad: You're an ambulance
Why doesn’t Oedipus use profanity?
Because he kisses his mother with that mouth.
I was surprised when I caught my son smoking weed upstairs…
I never imagined my house would have a drug attic.
What do you call an Irishman flying an airplane?
Éire O'Dynamic
I’m not wearing glasses anymore.
I’ve seen enough.
A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing… they keep saying ‘Hi, we’re hot… do you want to *fuck us*?'”
"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots… to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filth, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship the good Lord." So the next day, the lady brings her two female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you want to fuck us?” One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "put the bible away you idiot, our prayers have been answered!"
Someone Stole My Anti-Depressants
Someone Stole My Anti-Depressants
Did you know that it’s illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
Think I might sell all my John Lennon memorabilia on ebay.
Imagine all the Paypal…
Why did the Corona Virus cross the street?
To help seniors get to the other side
Nothing starts with an N and ends with a G.
Change my mind.
My girlfriend really likes to cosplay as gardening tools.
Often, she's a hoe.
Why are there two d’s in reddit?
The second one is a repost.
My wife and I decided to curb our smoking habit a bit by only smoking after sex.
I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day. RIP Rodney.
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, “I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, “The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"