Nobody’s perfect and thats perfectly fine๐๐.
There once was a guy named Dave,
Who dug up a whore from a grave. She was moldy and sh1tty, And only had one titty But look at the money he saved!
Why shouldnโt you trust atoms?
Because they make up everything!
A bar walks into Albert Einstein.
Oops, wrong frame of reference.
And the award for best neckwear goes to…
…well would you look at that, it's a tie.
My phone just told me “I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley.”
It must be in Airplane! mode.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
Iโm really upset! Someone stole my limbo stick!
I mean how low can you go!?
I like my women how I like my Corona viruses
Easy to get, quick to spread and leaving me out of breath
How did Thomas Edison invent the lightbulb?
He had a bright idea
After letting out a trumpet of a fart my toddler stopped, gasped and said, “did you just hear that elephant?”
She's going too be a great dad someday.
I told my teenage niece to go get me a newspaper…
She laughed at me, and said, "Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone." So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.
Have you heard of the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
After 40 years as a gynecologist,
John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real loveโcar mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in a car mechanics class and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted. The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his teacher after class. โI never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?โ The teacher replied, โI gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the exhaust pipe.โ
Itโs the end of the world as we know it and he feels fine, very stable and wise
https://ift.tt/33mh9ZQ
I have a friend who worked in Chicago his entire life tell me it isn’t that violent…
He is a tail gunner on a school bus.
How do fortune tellers greet each other?
Youโre good, how am I?
There’s radical feminist plot to attack the postal service…
They heard it was a mail dominated industry.. ( Possibility OC?)
My dad took me to an Apple store to buy me an iPhone 11
Me: "Please don't fart here." Dad: "Why?" Me: "Because they don't have Windows."
I decided to quit my job and become a museum curator, but to be honest
I'm just doing it for the Monet
A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom, I have someone for you to meet!”
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not going to get lucky that night. The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
The waitress came over and saw my leftovers and asked, “do ya wanna box for that?”
I responded with, "no, but we can arm wrestle any day."
A blonde goes to work in tears.
She says, "My mom died." He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine." Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?" She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"
A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom, I have someone for you to meet!”
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not going to get lucky that night. The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
I asked my Wife โAm I the only one youโve been with?โ
โYes… but Iโve had some sevens and eights.โ She replied.
There are 10 types of people in this world.
Those who understand binary, and those who don't.