Nobody’s ready for this conversation tho
To be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers.
Because if they fell forward they would still be in the boat
A guy sees a sign in front of a house that says: “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
“You talk?” he asks. “Yep,” the mutt replies. “So, what’s your story?” The mutt looks up and says: “Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. “The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.” The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says: “Ten dollars.” The guy says: “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?” The owner replies: “He’s just a big liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”
I try to use it as often as possible.
A pigment of your imagination
It was just a mean thing to say.
It really came out of the purple
The parents see the boy and he runs off to his room. The mother puts on her robe and goes into the boys room The boy ask his mother what she was doing. “You know how daddy has a big stomach? Sometimes mummy has to get on top of daddy and flatten it.” “You’re wasting your time” says the boy. The mother confused asks “what do you mean?” “Well when you go to the supermarket the woman next door comes over and blows him back up.”
He asks God, "How do you get a girl's number in Auschwitz? Roll up her sleeve." God doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "Eh. I guess you had to be there to understand".
A young guy goes to a doctor, complaining that his penis has turned orange. The man looks healthy enough, dressed well, clean shaven, etc., but when the doctor asks him to pull down his pants, sure enough, his penis is bright orange! The doctor has never seen a case like this before, so he begins to a full work-up on the patient. His temperature is good, his blood pressure is fine, blood tests come back normal… so the doctor says to the guy, "Everything physically appears fine with you. Let's discuss your lifestyle… tell me about your average day? Is it stressful?" The guy replies, "Not stressful at all, doc. See, I was born into money, I have never worked a day in my life. I have all I need; multiple homes and cars, beautiful art, women on my arm at any time, nothing is stressful! I literally just sit around all day, watching porn and eating Cheetos…"
There's always beef between them.
I bet the people who invented hand sanitiser are rubbing their hands together.
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He doesn't see the bartender behind the bar so figures he must be back in the stockroom. As the man walks across the floor he hears a quiet voice say….."nice pants!" He looks around but sees no one, there are no other people in the bar. He shrugs it off and keeps moving towards the bar. Then he hears….."your hair looks great!" Again, he looks around but doesn't see anyone. A little freaked out, he takes a seat at the bar and hears….."I like your tie!" At that moment, the bartender emerges from the back room and asks "howdy sir, what can I get you?" The man replies "well, I'll have a whiskey, but I have to tell you the strangest thing has happened to me since I walked in. I keep hearing some voice that keeps saying nice things about me. I must really need that drink I guess." The bartender smiles and says "ahh, don't worry about it, that happens sometimes, it's probably just the peanuts". "The peanuts?" asked the man, even more confused. "Yes, the peanuts" explains the bartender….. "they're complimentary" 🙂
…and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"
So I grabbed my things and right.
It was the least I could have done for him.
Because he was in a cent. I know it’s stupid but c’mon
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
She was a mathamachicken
Probably because it's a Dell
It's so chewed up that we can't tell if it's 2b or not 2b.
Good luck with that, the floor's made of lava.
A man walks into a bar. The bartender greets him and says, For 5 bucks, I’ll show you something amazing…
The man agrees and hands over his 5 bucks. The bartender pulls out a small piano and a guy who is only about a foot tall. The guy sits down and plays an amazing tune on the piano. “Wow he’s amazing. Where did you get him!?!” He bartender replied, “There is a genie on the corner, he’ll grant you one wish.” The guy leaves the bar, finds the genie and says, “I want a million bucks!” All of a sudden ducks start falling out of the sky. The guy runs back to the bar to escape all the ducks and asks, “What’s wrong with that genie? I asked for a million bucks, and ducks started falling out of the sky!” The bartender shakes his head and says, “He’s hard of hearing. Do you seriously think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”
How the hell am I supposed to know if its raining in Sweden?
“Hey, you wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?”
You should've seen his reaction…