Grandpa: What has 4 legs, but isn’t alive ?
Boy: A chair, haha, nice try gran- Grandpa – it's your dog. He's dead Jimmy.
Don’t spell part backwards
It’s a trap
What concert cost 45¢
50¢ ft. Nickelback.
What do you get when you cross Willy Wonka with stolen fizzy lifting drinks?
You get NOTHING! YOU LOSE! GOOD DAY, SIR!
I stubbed my toe against a gold bar
Au Au Au
My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.
She says “Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.” Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me. She asks “Do you want to have sex before she gets back?” I got up and went straight to my car. My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said “I knew I could trust you.” Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.
Three warriors and a female troll enter the Colosseum.
The first, wielding a sword, attacked the massive lady-beast head on but was quickly dispatched. The 2nd, wielding a flail was picked up and thrown across the arena like a toy. The 3rd warrior knew he could not defeat the troll by conventional means and with that, he charged at the troll as fast as he could, slid between her thighs and aggressively performed oral sex on her. The crowd cheered as the trolls knees buckled and her body shivered. The other two warriors brushed themselves off and ran over to provide aid but found that the troll had been rendered defenseless. The first warrior watched the crowd and then began to shout: "We are warriors!" "We are heroes!" And as he looked upon the 3rd warrior wiping his chin with his sleeve, he smiled and shouted: "But above all! WE ARE GLADIATOR!"
Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?”
I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog…
How are your grades son?
Son: They’re underwater Dad: How are they underwater Son: They’re below C level
Sign on the espresso machine said, “Coffeemaker not hot.”
So I wrote, "But has a great personality."
Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the Peekaboo virus.
Doctors are sending anyone with peekaboo straight to ICU.
A woman gets new jeans and asks her husband if they make her look fat
Husband: Alright, I'll tell you the truth… But, you have to promise not to get angry no matter what I say Wife: I promise Husband: I'm fucking your sister
Do you know what Yoda’s last name is?
It's Lay Hee Hoo
A blind guy walks into a lesbian bar
But everyone’s cool about it and he’s served his drink. Then, after a few minutes he says, “Hey, bartender; wanna hear a blonde joke?” The place goes dead still. Finally the bartender says, “Look, mister, I know you’re visually challenged and all; I’m gonna cut you some slack. But there’s a few things you should know. “Sitting next to you, on your right, there’s an off-duty cop. She’s armed, and she’s a blonde. On your left you got a martial arts expert with black belts in seven different disciplines. She’s a blonde. At the table behind you, two sisters: a professional wrestling team. Both are blondes. And me, I got a .357 Magnum under the counter. I’m licensed, trained, and it’s loaded. And, you guessed it: I’m a blonde. “So I want you to choose your words carefully before you answer this question: do you still want to tell that blonde joke?” “Aw hell no. Not if I have to explain it five times!”
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying
Are you having a crisis?
I asked Ryu if i could learn martial arts at his level yesterday
He said: “Suuuuureee YOU can!”
Why does Batman only wear dark colors? Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot. Why does Robin only wear bright colors?
Easy. Batman doesn't want to get shot.
Have you ever tried blindfolded archery?
You don't know what you're missing!
If I had to get rid of one part of my body, I’d get rid of my spine.
Sometimes I feel like it's holding me back.
My wife is really angry because I have no sense of direction
So I just packed up my things and right
I can’t find my “Gone in 60 seconds” DVD
It was here a minute ago
My cross-eyed girlfriend left me.
She was seeing someone else.
I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.
Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.
What do antioxidants and dictators have in common?
They both eliminate free radicals.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving
But you do need one to go skydiving twice
Today I had someone knock on my door asking for small donations towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water
Did you know Bill Burr has a brother that is a lumberjack?
His name is Tim
WeWork’s Founder Adam Neumann Getting Owned by Masa Son of SoftBank
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jdPlCiS287k&t=3s
Did you hear about the mechanic that was caught having sex with car parts?
He got off with a suspension.
A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum.
A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum, fuming with anger. He yells at the top of his lungs "WHO THE FUCK, FUCKED MY WIFE!" Everybody stops, there's a lingering silence for a few seconds, then a guy in the back of the bar yells back "you haven't got enough bullets buddy."
Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?
But most have 4
A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman.
The General replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief, said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and General went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the General and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956…" The General looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."
A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Linda, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts. This should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won’t be able to talk properly for a while. The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said, “Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday”
It’s always awkward
It’s always awkward
How much do dumplings weigh?
Wonton