noise pollution sucks bro
I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latina mother in law
Who lives at 324 3rd st. Los Angeles. She gets off at 6
I recently visited a pickle factory
The experience was jarring.
I taught a wolf to meditate
Now it’s aware wolf
A man is driving down a country road
A man is driving down a country road when he loses control of his car and ends up in a ditch. He gets out of the car and knocks on a farmhouse door for help. He explains his situation to the farmer. The farmer gets his horse and they walk to the crash scene. The farmer then uses rope to tie the horse to the car"Pull, Zoomer, pull" the farmer shouts, but the horse doesn't move."Pull, Radar, pull" the farmer yells again, but again, the horse stands still"Pull, Dasher, pull" yells the farmer, but the horse stands like a rock."Pull, Dusty, pull" shouts the farmer, and the horse finally gets the car out with minimal effort.The driver is dumbfounded so he asks the farmer, "why do you call your horse different names?""You see," the farmer replies, "Dusty is blind. If he knew he was working by himself, he wouldn't have pulled."
Are beavers the best builders in the animal kingdom?
Dam right they are.
If your iPhone runs out of charge…
Does that mean you are out of apple juice?
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants
The bartender looks at him and says, “Do you know you’ve got a steering wheel in your pants?” The pirate goes, “Aye, it’s been driving me nuts!”.
What country never wins or loses
Thailand.( Credit to my brothers who dosent use reddit).
A vampire walks into a bar…
A vampire walks into a bar and goes straight up to the bartender and asks for a large warm glass of blood. Luckily, it happens to be a bar that serves vampires and quick as a tick the bartender hands over a long glass of blood, to which the vampire slurps it down happily. Sooner than later, another vampire enters the establishment and sees his fellow child of darkness happily nursing his glass at the bar. He proceeds to sit next to him and orders the same, to which the bartender obliges and plunks down another large warm glass of blood. Finally a third vampire strolls through the door and walks confidently up to the barkeep and the other vampires. He opens his fanged mouth to speak, but the Barman interrupts him: "Let me guess…" he opines, "One large glass of warm blood?". To his surprise the vampire shakes his head. "Actually, can I have a cup of boiling water please?" The Bartender is confused but is unwilling to question the motives of a vampire, especially a vampire customer and produces the boiling water for his guest. The other vampires, also curious pause their drinking to stare at the new arrival. Sensing their curiosity the vampire simply shrugs, produces a tampon from his pocket and dunks it into the cup. "I'm making tea…"
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8…
Doctor: You’re going to have to stop masturbating.
Me: Why? Doctor: Because it's distracting.
The people in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones!
But the people in Abu Dhabi do!
What did you learn at school today?
Not much. Apparently I need to go back tomorrow.
Two fish sitting in a tank
One of them turns to the other and says "How do you drive this thing?"
Dad, why is that book so thick?
"It's a long story"
I started lifting with only dictionaries
I wanted to add definition to my muscles
I love the way the Earth rotates…
It really makes my day.
A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises.
The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?" The man replies, " like a glove."
What jokes are allowed during quarantine?
inside jokes 😀
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.
The second time let me down.
I got a bar installed into my roof.
Just so whenever I have guests I can say "drinks are on the house".
Did u know you can tell an ants gender by putting it in water?
If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats……..boy ant.
I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players…
The servers are currently down…
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman
Customer: "cargo space?" Me: " no, car no fly, car go roads" Manager: " can I see you in my office?"
I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
There is this guy who has a 25-inch dick
He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can’t please the ladies with it being so big. He hasn’t found a lady yet who likes it and he can’t get any pleasure. She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog. When he finds the frog, he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says “no,” his cock will shrink five inches. He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks, “Frog, will you marry me?” The frog says, “No.” And his prick shrinks five inches. The guy thinks to himself, Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it’s still too big. So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog, “Frog, will you marry me?” Frog: “No, I won’t marry you.” The guy’s dick shrinks another five inches. But that’s still 15 inches and he thinks it is still just a little bit too big. He thinks that 10 inches would be just great. He goes back to the frog and asks, “Frog, will you marry me?”. Frog: “How many times do I have to tell you? No, no, NO!!!”