Non native speaker tries to console me after tough break up. I’m sure it translates much better in her language.
Did you hear the police are on the lookout for a psychic midget?
Yeah, there is a small medium at large.
Did you hear about the burglary at the detergent factory?
The thief made a clean getaway
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do.
We do it in schools, because we have class.
Pilot left his microphone on.
After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot ' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'. An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone. When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'.
Last night my wife and I watched three movies back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the tv
How did the dentist become a brain surgeon?
The drill slipped.
TIL Mr. T’s grandmother was a pirate…
Her name was Mae T
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
What has two butts and can kill people?
An Assassin
What do you call a bee who never brags?
A humble bee
My friend and I frequently give conjugal visits to an all-female prison, to remind the inmates what it’s like for a selfless guy to go down on them.
It just gives us some scents of perp puss.
A sheepdog tells the farmer he’s going to round up the sheep and comes back with 50 sheep and the farmer says “We only have 48 sheep.”
The dog replies "I said I was going to round them up,"
Did you notice that people started taking the looters & rioters seriously once New York was hit?
Probably because everyone knows where the Big Apple is, but not where the Minneapolis.
My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed
In my defense it was doggy style so it's more like 14 minutes.
If I disappeared into the fog tomorrow
Would I be mist?
A vegan said to me people who sell meat are disgusting
I said people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer
The girl with the big booty and a lisp wasn’t at work
She must have called in thick
My car really whips the llama’s ass! (excuse the dirt, it rained a bit this morning)
https://ift.tt/2SdIw5C
According to the psychiatrist, my mind thinks that I’m a plant.
It's really hard to be leaf.
What did the casket say to the other casket?
Is that you coffin?
r/im14andthisisdeep:
r/dadjokes: hello 14, hello deep, I'm dad
What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt
Charles Dickens had lots of melodious metal bars outside the front of his house. Some of them were expensive, others dirt cheap.
It was the best of chimes, it was the worst of chimes.
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
