Non native speaker tries to console me after tough break up. I’m sure it translates much better in her language.
Yeah, there is a small medium at large.
The thief made a clean getaway
We do it in schools, because we have class.
After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot ' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'. An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone. When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'.
Luckily I was the one facing the tv
The drill slipped.
Her name was Mae T
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
A humble bee
My friend and I frequently give conjugal visits to an all-female prison, to remind the inmates what it’s like for a selfless guy to go down on them.
It just gives us some scents of perp puss.
A sheepdog tells the farmer he’s going to round up the sheep and comes back with 50 sheep and the farmer says “We only have 48 sheep.”
The dog replies "I said I was going to round them up,"
Probably because everyone knows where the Big Apple is, but not where the Minneapolis.
In my defense it was doggy style so it's more like 14 minutes.
Would I be mist?
I said people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer
She must have called in thick
It's really hard to be leaf.
Is that you coffin?
r/dadjokes: hello 14, hello deep, I'm dad
Charles Dickens had lots of melodious metal bars outside the front of his house. Some of them were expensive, others dirt cheap.
It was the best of chimes, it was the worst of chimes.
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."