None Could Compare!
I’d like to thank my legs
For supporting me. My arms, for always being by my side. And my fingers, I could always count on them.
The first Karen to get sick was..
Impatient Zero
My ex-girlfriend used to beat me with stringed instruments.
I didn’t know she had a history with Violins.
Why do tigers have stripes?
They don't want to be spotted.
What did the bean say to the other bean?
How you been?
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job! How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “What? A miracle?!”
I whispered, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
It’s absurd to compare Donald Trump to Adolf Hitler
Hitler volunteered for the army.
Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery…
Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery and the same day, someone kidnaps me and demands ransom of 1 million dollars. What will you do? Husband: I doubt if I can hit two jackpots in one day!
I was walking through a graveyard earlier today when I saw a guy squatted behind a tombstone. I said “morning!”
He replied “no, just taking a shit”
Why do lamps make people happy?
They bring delight. My 7-year-old son told me this at the breakfast table this morning. He is going to be a great dad one day.
What did the burglar say after detonating a bomb inside of Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold! Edit: Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold!
How do depressed frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
If I have twin daughters I’ll name one Kate,
and the other duplikate.
My daughter said she literally can’t even…
… so that’s odd.
Three Logicians walk into a Bar…
The waitress asks: "Does everyone want beer?" The first logician replies: "I don't know." The second logician says: "I don't know." Finally, the third logician answers: "YES, we all want beer!"
A man holding several miniature pigs walks into a bar.
"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?" The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small. "Um…barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender reaches for some larger mugs, but as he places them next to the cups, it becomes obvious that even these will be too small for the pigs. Seeing the man struggle to continue holding them, the bartender runs to the kitchen for help. A cook emerges, holding several large measuring cups. "Sorry, I just used these to make a batch of cheese dip, but they're all yours!" The man carefully plops each pig into its respective gooey yellow cup. Arms exhausted, breathing heavily, he drops into a stool at the end of the bar, between his tiny friends and a beautiful girl. He glances her way, gasping coyly. "Hey…I'm…Tom." She smiles, having watched the whole ordeal. "Hi Tom, I'm Liz. And if you don't mind me asking…" she laughs, looking over his shoulder, "what was that all about?" He glances back at the bar. "Yeah…sorry," he pants. "I wanted…to impress you, but…it turned out to be…a pretty cheesy…pig-cup line."
How many cops does it take to push a black man off the stairs?
None, he fell off.
I decided to kill off some characters in the book I am writing
It would definitely spice up my autobiography.
OH NO NO NO NO
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife." "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit." "That'll be me then," said Paddy.
Can’t wait to see Liam Neeson’s new film
Taken: Out Of Context.
Doctor: You’re going to have to stop masturbating.
Me: Why? Doctor: Because it's distracting.
Genders are just like the twin towers…
There used to be two, but now its a sensitive subject.
Two men are playing golf.
Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation. His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very feeling man." The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
My wallet is like an onion
When I open it, it makes me cry.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-morse code
A teacher asks the class, “What are some examples of flammable objects?” and the Jewish student raises his hand.
The teacher replies, “Very good! Any other examples?”
I accidentally clicked on a pop-up link that said, “Free Justin Bieber tickets inside!”
Thankfully it was just a virus.
Why is it hard to read a crowd of chemists?
They have a lot of mixed reactions.
Why do scuba divers fall off the boat backwards?
If they fell off forwards, they’d just land in the boat.
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece.
Why does it take a pirate so long to learn the alphabet?
Because he spends years at C!
What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?
One snatches your watch and the other one watches your snatch.
