Nooo you were so close to being good
So I called up Dewalt and they said: “not to worry! It’s just a fire drill.” REDDIT! IM GOING TO BE A DAD!!! 😀
I'm foreign against it.
I hear it’s making real headlines.
It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
because I get sick no matter when I eat them.
Having to clean the monitor.
No text found
Scraping those stick family decals off your rear window.
I’ll be a sugar daddy.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”
Well son, Teresa is an anagram. If you rearrange the letters, it spells “Easter”. -Oh, so you named her that on account of how much you and mom love Easter. Yes, that’s right, Alan. -Thanks, Dad!
The barman asks : Why are your feet wet? The guy says: I went into the lake to get wood. A second guy enters the bar and is wet from the knees to the toes. The barman asks: Why are you wet? The second guy says: I went into the lake to get wood. A third guy enters the bar and is wet from the hips to the toes. The barman asks: Why are you wet? The third guy says: I went into the lake to get wood. A fourth guy enters the bar and is completly wet. The barman says: I guess you went into the lake to get wood?! The fourth guy says: No. I'm Wood !
Therapist: Tell me why? Me: screams
Nature’s biggest fan
Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh? Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work! Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly.. Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.
…unless you're sure you can handle the Reaper cushions.
The pupils, they dilate
Because they drink it before it’s cool.
A lifetime ban from the petting zoo.
We'll see about that…
Nothing, it goes straight to voicemail.
…and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"
A large group of ISIS fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: “One Marine is better than ten ISIS fighters.”
The ISIS commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One Marine is better than one hundred ISIS fighters. Furious, the ISIS commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The voice calls out again: "One Marine is better than a thousand ISIS fighters." The enraged ISIS commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible fight is fought … then silence. Eventually, one badly wounded ISIS fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men … it's a trap. There's two of them."
She wanted the Task Manager.
Son: Why did you do that? Father: So you will not be bored there.