Normal Sick Patients vs COVID-19 Patients
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.
When I was getting my prostate exam, I asked the doctor where I should put my pants.
"Over there, next to mine" wasn't the answer I was expecting.
Doctor: It appears that your DNA is backwards
Patient: And?
There is a guy stealing Iphones around town
He is probably going to face time
Dr. Frankenstein asks Igor if he knows where his monster wandered off to.
Igor responds, "I'm not sure, but I have a hunch."
Why do they call him Lord Vader?
Because no one could keep a straight face calling him Master Vader.
What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bail
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When I was a child I had a condition where I had to eat mud three times a day in order to survive…
It’s lucky my older brother told me about it, really.
You can’t take a photo of a man with a wooden leg.
You really need a camera
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said “It’s going to rain”. His wife asked “how do you know?”
"Because rudolph the red knows rain, dear"
I was born at a very young age.
No text found
I always wanted a job estimating crowd sizes.
I wonder how many people are in that field.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.
Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek. The brunette thinks "I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert." The blonde thinks "I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast." The Frenchman thinks "I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake." The Englishman thinks "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again."
After a long argument with my boss, I quit my job at the helium factory.
I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?
He had loco motives
Why do riot cops like to leave early when they go to work?
So they can beat the crowds.
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches?
…because then it would be a foot
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooooom!
Assistant: “Sir, can I have a day off next week to visit my mother-in-law?”
Boss: "Certainly not!" Assistant: "Thank you so much sir."
A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle…..
A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle. Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters Wife: Apps Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters Wife: Teen Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters Wife: Didn’t Husband: Take a life, 4 letters Wife: Kill Husband: Religious songs, 5 letters Wife: Hymns Husband: Santa’s little helper, 3 letters Wife: Elf
My daughter said she literally can’t even…
… so that’s odd.
I told my wife that she drew her eyebrows a little high when she did her makeup today.
She looked surprised.
Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas.
Global chaos ensues. The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.
What is a mayor’s favorite food?
Mayornnaise
A girl asked me if I had a foot fetish. I said no.
I use the metric system.
Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar
Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help." He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick manoeuvre always works."
According to the psychiatrist, my mind thinks that I’m a plant.
It's really hard to be leaf.
What is 5Q + 5Q?
You're welcome.
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.
A solid 10, but also imaginary.