Not a bad guy
Dad: Thanks for doing your chores Emily, unlike some children who will remain unnamed
Son: tears welling up please give me a name dad I'm almost 17
A man wants to enter a club he’s visiting in cuba, but there’s a tough looking bouncer that won’t let anyone in.
A cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says… "I'm with the police." The bouncer lets him in. Less than a minute later, another cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says, "I'm with the police." The bouncer lets him in. The man who wants to enter, having no beard eventually walks up to the bouncer and says, "I'm with the police." Raising an eyebrow, the bouncer asks where his beard is. Pulling down his pants, the man replies with, "I'm undercover." The bouncer lets him in.
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects ‘fuck’ to ‘duck’
You’re still using fowl language.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed…..
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room…. "Why are you down here at this time of night!?" The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met." She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15," he said solemnly. Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses……. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?" "I remember that, too" she replied softly… He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."
Nearly had sex with a Ladyboy last night…
Picked him up in a night club. He looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement!…. That's when I thought "Fucking hell there's something wrong here"
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Frankly, I don't know, and I don't care.
What do you call an instagram celeb who got Corona?
An influenzer.
My daughter FINALLY got an ‘A’ on her essay!!
Only 1,999 more words to go!!
I’m opening a dispensary that sells weed and doughnuts.
It called glazed and confused.
My boss just told me that I’m the worst mailman he has ever seen.
Shit. I meant to post this somewhere else.
I asked my wife if I’m the only one she had ever slept with.
She said “Yes…. all the other guys were nines or tens”
Why does the Swedish Navy have bar codes on their ship?
So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian.
I was having sex with my girlfriend, Diana, when my roommate, Jones, entered the room
Im indiana Jones, Get out
I never understood school shooting jokes…
I guess they’re aimed at a younger audience.
Did you hear they changed the font of alphabet soup?
Now it is Times New Ramen
Anytime I tell a terrible joke to my kids, I walk away from them and yell it from across the room.
If they groan, I say, “I think I took this joke too far.”
There are two types of people. People who need closure
No text found
If someone stole a Tesla…
Would it become an Edison?
My friends star sign was cancer and it was quite ironic how he died really
He was attacked by a giant crab
A little boy goes to his father and asks…
"Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat group on FaceBook. Then I set up a date via Tinder with your Mom and we met at a Starbucks, because of the free wifi. We sneaked into the rest room, where your mother agreed to do a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a VPN, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: "You've Got Male!"
Have you heard of that new band 1023MB?
They're good but they haven't got a gig yet.
I ran out of toilet paper the other day, and have been using newspaper since…
And man, the Times are tough!!!
If you’re ever feeling lonely, just remember…
Every day is a date.
For a while Harry Houdini used trap doors in every act.
It was a stage he was going through.
Television for sale
On my way to work I saw an advert in a shop window that said: “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” – I thought to myself, ‘I can’t turn that down.'
Why did the skeleton not go to the party?
He had no body to go with
A brother hits his sister in the eye with a pool noodle.
It was an accident but the girl gets a really nasty black eye. So the next day the girl gets to tell to all her friends about it and blames the brother. The brother doesn’t like the unwarranted attention. He goes to his father and tells him he doesn’t like his sister telling everyone he hit her. The father finds it reasonable and tells the sister not to tell people about it as it is embarrassing the brother. The next day she goes to school and the teacher notices the black eye. The teacher goes up to girl and asks if she is alright. The girl responds that she is fine. The teacher then asks how she got such a nasty black eye. The sister responds, “My father told me not to say.”