Not a single economist or health-care expert in this Loser Lineup
Apparently you can’t use beefstew as a password…
It's not stroganoff.
This morning Chuck Norris was shot
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
My daughter gave me a handful of rocks for my birthday…
They have deep sedimental value to me.
Have you heard about a the constipation movie?
It hasn’t come out yet!
What do you get if you cross a sheep dog with a daisy?
A Collie-flower!
When it comes to nudist contests…
I barely qualify.
Last night, I was lying in bed gazing up at the stars thinking
Where the fuck is my roof?
My marriage just ended because I didn’t open the door for my wife.
I swam for the surface instead
What’s the least spoken language?
Sign language.
What does the Mafia and pussies have in common?
One slip of the tongue and you are in deep shit.
What do you call a flower getting a sex change?
A Transplant
I want to start running twenty four-hour gyms
And they’ll all be open from 11 to 3 daily
I’m pretty bad at building fences..
Oops, wrong place for this post
Shit Ain’t Funny Anymore. Stop making Excuses For That Guy Who Occupies The white House.
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Сафари парк львов Тайган
https://ift.tt/33T3qd9
What do you call a soldier that’s survived mustard gas and pepper spray?
A seasoned veteran
People always say that the Romans didn’t handle the whole Jesus situation very well
I think they nailed it.
Why can’t you trust an atom?
Because they make up everything.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer…
I’m not sure what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.
A woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap.
"Because he used to live in a brothel," says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
A bad workman always blames his fools…
Tools!! I meant tools!! Stupid keyboard…
What do you call a can opener that’s broken?
A can't opener
I was born with two kidneys,
Now I've got two adult knees.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.
It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
My sister walked in and caught me masturbating. She called me a sick pervert.
I walked in and caught her masturbating. She called me a sick pervert. There's no justice in this world.
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.
The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded. The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.” The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger & fries. The reporter ate it and said “Now, I can die.” The BBC Reporter said, "I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.” The ISIS leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and dictated some comments. The reporter then said, "Now I can die knowing I stayed true until the end.” The ISIS leader turned to the Israeli commando and said, “And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?” “Kick me in the butt ,” said the soldier. “What?" asked the leader, “Will you mock us in your last hour?” “No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt ,” insisted the Israeli. So the terrorist leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the behind. The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the soldier was untying the reporters, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt first?” “What?” replied the Israeli, “and have you report that I was the aggressor?
Kids in a class are learning how to use the word “definitely”
One girl says “the sky is definitely blue” that is wrong One boy says “the leaves are definitely green” that is wrong One boy asks “are farts lumpy?” The teacher says no, He says “then I definitely shit my pants”
Why did the hipster fall in the lake?
He went ice skating before it was cool.
A group of photographers went out to dinner..
As they sat at their table, taking photos of their food for social media, one of the photographers realized he hadn't been given water. He approached the bar and asked for a glassful, with which the bartender obliged. Rather than immediately leaving, he stood there and stared at the bartender for a moment before returning to his seat. Soon enough, he found himself thirsty again, and took another trip to the bar, and once again stared at the bartender. This happened again and again throughout the night, with the bartender becoming progressively more frustrated by the photographers persistent requests for glasses of water and uncomfortable stares. Finally, on the photographers fifteenth trip, the bartender loses his cool and yells, "Take a pitcher, it'll last longer!"
How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
You all must have heard about the man who invented the knock knock joke.
Well, he won the No-bell prize.
What would happen if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight?
There would be mass confusion.
My Father thinks this is funny as hell. I need to leave the family WhatsApp group.
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my girlfriend left me because I’m insecure
nevermind she's back she just went to pee
What does DNA stand for?
National dyslexia association
