Not American politics, what a nice change
There will be a baby boom in 9 months.
And in 2033 we shall witness the rise of the quaranteens!!!
I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body
Now I know not to keep the superglue and the lube in the same drawer.
During his presidency, there were some files that even Obama couldn’t touch.
The *For Biden* files.
As an immigration officer, I may not always agree with you.
But I can see where you are coming from.
Pirate :”I have moles on me back, arrrrrgh!”
The doctor takes a quick look and responds:"It's okay, they're benign." Pirate:"Arrrrgh! Count again, I think there be ten!"
Trump retreating to his safe space after being treated ‘very unfairly’ by NATO members
https://ift.tt/34RYsyv
a guy with a gun bursts into a bank and screams “a person’s regular occupation, profession, or trade. also known as a commercial enterprise.”
the old lady in front of him whispers to the teller, “I’d do whatever he asks. He means business.”
I got a bad thesaurus.
It was bad.
I feel like it’s time for the annual update of these meme
I feel like it’s time for the annual update of these meme
A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.
He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope. The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing." "Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says. "But why?" the bartender asks. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.
Told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids…
In one ear, out the other.
A wife came home early and…
One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset. “You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!” The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.” “Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!” So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments! Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.” The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…” “Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”
r/coronavirus is officially the fastest-growing community on Reddit
It must be viral.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From the well, actually.
I used to feel like a man trapped inside a woman’s body
Then I was born
Scientists turn back time…
…end up with 'emit'.
My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an erection.
So i got her some diet pills.
Did you hear about the antenna that got married?
The ceremony wasnt much but the reception was amazing!
What do you get when you inject a goat with human DNA?
A ban from the petting zoo.
My girlfriend wanted to have a conversation with me about me being too childish, but it never happened…
She didn't know the password to my treehouse!
I took my dog to the lake to day and noticed he floats very well
He’s a good buoy
It’s not that hard to tell an alligator and a crocodile apart..
One will see you later and the other will see you in a while
They told me I wouldn’t be any good at poetry because I was dyslexic
But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they're lovely
“What did the leper say to the prostitute after sex?”
"Keep the tip."
When you pull the pin on a grenade, how do you put it back in?
Quick answers please.
Two elves walk into a bar
The dwarf laughs and walks under it
For a woman, romance is roses on a piano.
For a man, it’s tulips on an organ.
What do you call a headless duck?
A duck that didnt duck
“Several years ago, you could smoke in bars”
"Dad, what is a bar?" … "Dad, are you crying?"
A kid asks his mom “Mom? What is dark Humor?”
She responds: “see that man over there with no arms? Tell him to clap.” The kid replies: “but mom, I’m blind!” Mom: “Exactly.”
A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.
When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter. She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station. Finally, she seems to recognize someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?" The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate. The Buddhist Monk replies, "my dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."
“Welcome back, everybody” is apparently not a good way to start your speech
if you're the best man at your buddy's second wedding.
Jokes about the weather can be funny…
To a certain degree.
Australians don’t have sex
Australians mate
A blind woman told me I had a big dick
She was just pulling my leg.