Not bad but still boomer
My wife said I should take out the spider instead of killing it.
I'm glad I did. We went out. Had a few drinks. Overall good guy. He's a web designer.
Give ‘em the punchline first!
How do you tell a good joke about time travel?
A guy was wondering what being a suicide bomber was like..
So I told him, “C4 yourself”
We went to a wedding and my drunk wife asked me what I thought of her dancing.
I said, “You are just staggering.”
SHE: Undress me with your words…
HE: There's a spider in your bra.
Did you hear of the dog with denchers?
It was all bark and no bite.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
An F-15 pilot was assigned to escort an aged B-52 Bomber
Being a bit bored he started executing loops and rolls, never worried about being able to catch up to his lumbering charge. He got on the radio to boast to the BUFF pilot. "Ha! Anything you can do, I can do better!" The bomber pilot replies, "Oh, yeah? Let's see you do this!" and keeps flying straight and level. The fighter jock asks, "Um… What did you do?" The B-52 pilot says, "I just shut down two engines."
Did you know the first French Fries weren’t cooked in France?
They were actually cooked in Greece
I overheard a man in the changing room
I was in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a phone rings. The guy next to me answers it while he was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I instantly thought, "What a smug bastard!" MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the Metrocentre now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2018 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "£90,000" MAN: "Ok but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000". MAN: "Well, then go ahead but come in at £900,000. They will probably take it but if not, we'll have to do £950,000." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!" MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape…..He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this fuckin phone belongs to?"
The other day a friend of mine told me a really bad gravity joke.
I still fell for it though
Why was the locomotive always hungry?
It had a really hard time choo choo chooing it’s food.
What does a deaf gynecologist do?
He reads lips Credit to https contagious laughter
Why did man invent curling?
To convince women sweeping was a sport.
The policeman despair when telling the lady to go home is both funny and sad.
https://ift.tt/2UpesFh
Three guys go in for a job interview.
The first guy goes in and kicks ass, best job interview he’s ever done in his life. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says: “By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?” “Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!” “I’m sorry, says the interviewer, but I’m very sensitive about my ears, I’m afraid you’re not the right person for this job, get the hell out of my office!” The second guy goes in, it’s the same thing, he is doing amazing, best job interview ever. Talks himself into 20K a year more than the advertised salary. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says: “By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?” “Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!” “I’m sorry, says the interviewer, but I’m very sensitive about my ears, I’m afraid you’re not the right person for this job, get out of my office!” So the third guy’s about to go in, but the first and second guy stop him and warn him “Hey, I don’t care how good you’re doing, how comfortable you feel, don’t say ANYTHING about his ears, he’ll throw you right out!” So the third guy goes in. Again, same thing, an AMAZING interview. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says: “By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?” Third guy looks real close, squints his eyes a bit and says “Yeah. You wear contact lenses, don’t you?” “WOW!” says the interviewer, “That is REALLY perceptive of you! How did you know?” “Well…” Says guy three… “You sure as hell couldn’t wear glasses!”
My roommate snapped a pic of me during my office’s virtual March Birthday Party…
https://ift.tt/2UhY4oD
Christmas is the present holiday.
(Yes, that's a pun.)
My wife asked me if I thought our kids were spoiled
I said "No, I think all kids smell like that"
I believe the Avengers 4 title will be Avengers: Blindness
Because they lost their Vision
We’re about to have a bad spell…
…of wether.
What do girls and noodles have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.
I was struggling to get my wife’s attention
So I simply sat down and looked comfortable, that did the trick
How was the roman empire cut in half
With a pair of Caesars
Everyone at our wedding cried.
Even our wedding cake was in tiers.
I drew a graph of all my previous relationships.
It had an ex axis, and a why axis. . Credit to /u/Viewedaskew on /r/jokes