nOt Bad KiD
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times, and she won’t think twice…
Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember. Because elephants never forget
A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber.
The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways. The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people." The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school. On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?" John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight Professor X: that's not going to help us Me: yes I see that now
In honor of Trump’s birthday, here’s a portrait of America’s last great president.
https://ift.tt/2XZEgJO
There are 3 types of people in the world:
1: The ones who can count 3: The ones who can’t
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall down a cliff.
Baa-Dumm-Tsssss
Knock Knock
Who’s there? Wah. Wah who? Settle down. This isn’t THAT great of a joke.
A bunch of dudes in cosplay who want to keep the status quo of constant mass shootings
https://ift.tt/2TJFWVZ
A man approaches a priest. “Bless me father, for I have sinned,” he says.
“I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.” “Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice.” “Will that cleanse my sin from me?” “No, but it’ll wipe that fuckin’ smile off your face.”
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby! (Blatant cake joke for karma! LOL)
If you masturbate after smoking marijuana…
Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?
![Ant monologue [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/aalofaxxb6b41-400x300.jpg)
A man applies to a government job, and he gets told this:
The interviewer asked him if he was allergic to anything. He replies " Yes caffeine, I can't drink coffee," "OK," the interviewer says " Have you been in the military?" The man answers " Yes I was in Iraq for two years." The interviewer says " OK that will give you 5 points toward employment," then he asks " Are you disabled in any way?" The man says " Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer says " OK, you are a disabled veteran. That adds 5 more points to your employment. You're hired. Work is from 8am to 4pm and we expect you here at 10am. The man says " Wait, if work starts at 8am, why should I come in at 10?" The interviewer replies " Well, for the first two hours we just drink coffee and scratch our balls. No point in you coming for that"
I hate it when people ask where I see myself in 2 years
I don’t have 2020 vision for gods sakes quit asking me
How does virgin olive oil become extra virgin olive oil?
After getting dating advice from a Redditor.
When I buy my wife something made of gold,
she always gazes at me in Au.
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
How come teddy bears don’t eat anything?
Because they are always stuffed!
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta
As a doctor, I never make a joke about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.
Did you hear about the day the cows ran away?
It was udder madness
Radios play music.
And that's a stereo type.
Did you hear about the soldier who drank on the job?
He got tanked
