Not boomer but it’s the same energy
Titles are actually hard
No collusion, no obstruction
When you want a simple server, but you can’t 🥺
My fortune cookie did not take the coronavirus into account.
Why are graveyards so noisy?
Because of all the coffin!
it was inevitable
I can’t believe that even after all these years after the show ended, people are still making “Friends” references…
No one told me life was gonna be this way…
Bunch of clowns
Yesterday I confused the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza”.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I asked my pregnant librarian when her baby was due
She said, "Oh the baby is mine, I get to keep it"
Just gonna go to the bathroom for a bit, nothing special.
My girlfriend wanted to have a conversation with me about me being too childish, but it never happened…
She didn't know the password to my treehouse!
Haha yes alcoholism in children
Hmmm… Yes the space here is made out of space
What does a frog do with a piece of paper?
Rip it! 6 year old son just came up with this. I'm sure he's not the first to think of it, but he came up with it on his own and i got a good chuckle out of it. 🙂
Uhm not bad
Meme inspired by u/blamemombo. You can go check his one out
what do you call a poor part of a town in Italy
Just got the job as the senior director of the Old McDonald farm.
I’m now the CIEIO.
I’ll admit, I was wrong about how good my Chiropractor is.
I stand corrected.
Gotta love baby Yoda
The wife is mad at me
My wife caught me peeing in the shower, and the people at Lowe's are still mad about it.
A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua. P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!
Aren’t time zones amazing?
Trying to get into BIOS…
I’ve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia.
I won’t rest until I find it.
Found this one next to a church, does it count??
a meme i made
That CDC mask photo
She just flew off
US gov in movies vs real life
Two fish are in a tank.
One says to the other: "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
How to use a sandwich cutter caw caw
The doctor told me I’m colorblind
Yeah. It really came out of the purple.
Did he father one of the aliens?
Your essays should be like a girls skirt.
Long enough to cover the subject, short enough to keep it interesting and up on my desk by Friday midnight.
Trump Campaign: Fake News! Donald *really is* Ricky Balboa.
I’m going to miss Stan Lee
He was a marvel
Whats the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with tits?
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
Cause the ol’ lady can’t drive worth a shit
Dolphins don’t have accidents.
They do everything on porpoise.
Why did 25 letters of the alphabet get coal for Christmas?
Because they were not E
I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke…
What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw in your laundry. The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit." We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he choked on a sock."
A man meets a beautiful woman in a bar.
They talk, they really hit it off, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment. He notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. He turns to her… they kiss… and then they rip each others clothes off and make love. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."
This felt very boomer (NSFW)
Stay calm and carry on… Contracting the virus.
Oh you’re entering my wound?
My wife asked me if I was having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch.
I said: “How can you say such a thing?”
A navy recruit has his first day on a submarine
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
As usual, democrats will have a lot to clean up
Damn this is super boomer
I looked deep into her eyes
And my legs grew weak at the knees, my heart fluttered, and the butterflies started in my stomach. I knew, in that moment, I'd roofied the wrong glass…
Oh the irony.
S A L T
An old, gross joke about deer hunting
This ancient joke pre-dates the Internet. It is from the South and is best told with a southern accent. I was deer hunting in the mountains of North Carolina. After about four hours I shot a nice 400lb buck. While I was hauling the dear back to my truck, I was stopped by the game warden, he wanted to see my hunting permit. I showed him my N.C. permit, after which he proceeded to stick his finger up the deer's asshole. He pulled his finger out and smelled it. The warden told me that the deer was a Virgina deer, and he wanted to see my Virgina permit. I had hunted in Norfork, Virgina about two months ago, so I looked through my wallet and showed him my Virgina permit. He was very upset because he got some enjoyment from handing out fines to hunters without permits. About one week later I was out hunting again on the same property. I was in a tree stand for almost seven hours before I spotted my first deer. I had a clean shot, and popped the deer right in the neck. While taking the deer back to my truck, the same perverted warden came up and insisted he be allowed to inspect the deer. He stuck his finger right up the deer's ass and then smelled and licked his finger. I was about to throw up. He told me that the deer was from South Carolina and he wanted my S.C. permit. I ran back to my truck and got the S.C. permit out of my glove compartment. This time the warden seemed even more upset then he did the last time. Of course he could not give me a ticket and he had to let me go. I shot three more deers during the rest of the season, and every time he did the same thing. He stuck his finger up the deer's butt and told me that I needed I license from Georgia, Alabama, and then West Virgina. I had a permit for every state. He was so mad when I showed him my permit from West Virgina, I thought he was going to kill me. He said " Boy, you got a permit for every damn state in the South, Where the hell you from?" I pulled down my pants and bent over, and then told the warden, "why don't you tell me!"
So what if I don’t know what “apocalypse” means.
It's not like it's the end of the world
How much sex does a person who likes both men and women have?
Just enough to get Bi