Not bragging, but I made six figures last year,
so they named me the year's worst employee at the toy factory.
A vegan kept telling me selling meat is gross
I said selling fruit and vegetables is grocer
I just installed a new app on my phone that lets me know which of my friends are racist.
It's called 'Facebook'
I was having sex with my girlfriend, Diana, when my roommate, Jones, entered the room
Im indiana Jones, Get out
Teacher asks her class, “If there’s 14 crows on a fence and you shoot 2 off, how many are left?
" One little boy says, "None, the shotgun scared them all away." Teacher says, "That's not the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you're thinking." Boy says to teacher, "I have a question for you." "There's 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 is licking, 1 is sucking, 1 is biting. Which one is married?" Teacher answers (slightly embarrassed), "I imagine it's the one sucking." Boy says, "No, it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way your thinking !"
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk?
The stock market.
Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.
"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course – I think the police are wonderful – but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?" "Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct." "What about if I were just to think it?" "No sir. You can think whatever you like." "In that case, I think you're a cunt."
My wife asked me “Is it just me or is the cat getting fat?”
Apparently "No it's just you" wasn't the right answer.
I got one of them anti bullying bracelets today
Nicked it off some fat ginger prick at the park
She: “What’s your birthday?”
Me: "January first." She: "What year?" Me: "Every year."
What’s the longest word in the dictionary?
Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the two S’s.
So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week
She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds." I asked her: "What do you think it means?" She smiled and said: "I don't know…" Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present. I still don't know why she didn't like this book called 'Dreams and their Meanings'.
(NSFW) A bra, some jumper cables and a battery walk into a bar…
They grab a table and sit down, so the bra says it'll get the first round. It goes up to the bartender and says "3 beers please mate" Bartender replies "no way, you're off your tits and your mates are going to start something"
A world without women….
It would be a pain in the ass
Do you think oranges become juice willingly
Or are they getting pressured into it?
I went to the doctors recently. He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”
I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?” He said, “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”
How often should columns be connected at the top?
Just a lintel bit of the time
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin’ catholic
What do you call an undercover shoe?
A sneaker
There was a joke about fishing I was going to tell you…
Oh no, I forgot the line!
A man wanted to have sex with a nun
A man wanted to have sex with a nun he saw every day at the bus station. One day, when they got on the bus, he asked her to have sex with him, but she refused. The bus driver heard their conversation and after she got off the bis, he told the man " Every night, she goes to the cemetery to visit Father Martin's grave, who died a few years ago. If you want to have sex with her, go to the cemetery dressed in black with your face covered and say: Maria, it's me, Martin. I have come to have sex with you before i go to heaven." The man did just as he was told. When he goes to the cemetery, he sees the nun staying in front of a grave with her face covered. The man approached her and said he was Father Martin and wanted to have sex with her. She said: "Fine, but do it in the ass so i can stay a virgin." After the man had sex with her, he uncovered his face and said: "Ha! It was me the whole time!", but then the one he thought was the nun turned around and said: "Ha! It is me, the bus driver!"
What’s blue and not heavy?
Light blue
When can women make you a millionaire?
When you're a billionaire.
I got tired of flipping the little switch on my rear view mirror to dim the headlights.
So I removed the whole mirror. I haven’t looked back since.
You’re a unit of power harry
I'm a WATT?? Sorry stole it from a pornhub comment made me laugh
A waiter approaches his manager
And tells him that a customer just complained about the oven baked flatbread. His manager told him not to worry about it. The waiter went back to work but came back to his manager a few minutes later saying another customer was complaining about the oven baked flatbread. The manager said that it wasn’t important and that he should go back to work. The waiter again returned to work but a few minutes later returned saying that yet another customer was dissatisfied with the oven baked flat bread. The manager told him to forget it. The waiter asked why he wouldn’t talk to him about it. The manager said “Don’t worry, it’s a naan-issue!”
If Robocop was a transformer,
Would his name be stoptimus Crime?
My Wife is freaking out about this coronavirus. She made me promise I’d put the mask on before I left for work this morning……
Now I’m two hours late and I don’t even like Jim Carey
A priest, a lawyer and a rabbi walk into a bar
The bartender asks "Is this a joke?"
Says one spice to another
"Seasoned Greetings"
Turned up late to a cannibal lunch…
Got the cold shoulder 🙁
What’s the last thing a Tickle-Me-Elmo gets before leaving the factory?
Two test tickles.
Girl: come over
Guy: I’m coming over Girl: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over
Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex
They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.
A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman…
The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better…" and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956…". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"