Not Flat…We Checked!
Everyone suddenly wants to be your friend when you take it out at school.
Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take. "Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," the Dean says. "English, Math, Science, and Logic." "Logic?" Jim asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" Proudly, Jim responded, "Yes, I do." "Well, if you own a weed wacker, then logically speaking you own a lawn," the Dean said. "Yes, yes I do have a lawn!" "Well, if you have a lawn, then logically speaking you own a house." "Yes, yes I do have a house!" "And if you have a house, then logically speaking you have a family." "Yes, yes I do have a family!" "And if you have a family, then logically speaking you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically speaking you're heterosexual." "Yes, yes I do have a wife and I am heterosexual! Wow, I can't believe you found out all of that just because you knew I had a weed wacker!" Jim exclaimed. "Yeah, that's what logic is," the Dean responded. Jim excitedly went back to the bar, awaited by Bob. "Bob, I'm taking 4 classes in college. English, Math, Science, and Logic," Jim told Bob. "Logic?" Bob asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" "No." "Then you're gay."
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes? Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes Wife: Who makes those rules? Me: The Dad Poet Society Wife: groan
Because there was gold in them/their hills.
One asked the other “What type of music do you like?” The other replied “Well I’m a big metal fan”
The plumber listened for a few moments, pulled out a hammer and gave it 2 light taps. “It’s fixed,” he says and hand the doctor an invoice. “$150 the doctor screams? You were here 10 minutes – that’s $900 an hour. I’m a doctor and I only make a 3rd of that.” The plumber said,” Yeah, when I was a doctor, that’s all I made too.”
If she really wants me to save money she should give me sex at home.
Because blonde men are stupid too.
I told him, “It’s all in your head.”
To save his business, my butcher is trying an experimental process where he gives his cows magic mushrooms before slaughtering them.
Let's just say…the steaks are high.
Just ignore it, it’s spam.
I have grater problems to worry about.
You boil the hell out of it.
Two test tickles.
The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” “Because…He’s my newt.”
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
But it’s not hard.
Dad: No. You’re grounded. Son: No fair! Dad: That’s exactly what I said.
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.”
Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone. "She's finally gone…yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you…can't wait to see you…we'll do all the naughty things you like." He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote… "I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes.
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian…..
…. an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub… The doorman stops them and says sorry I cant let you in without a Thai.
Roxanne is a really good song.
An Indian got a seat between two Pakistanis on a plane. Relaxing, he took his shoes off. Soon enough, he got hungry. "Hey, I'm going to get myself a snack. You guys want anything?" He asked the Pakistanis. The man to his right said he would like a Coke. "Of course." said the Indian. "After all, Indians and Pakistanis are Brothers!" When the Indian went to get the coke, the man who asked for the Coke spit in one of his shoes. Once the Indian came back, the guy to his left asked him for another Coke. He happily obliged. While he was gone, the man spit in his other shoe. Soon enough, the Indian returned, with the Coke, of course. After everyone had settled down, and the Pakistanis had had half their Cokes, the Indian put his legs in his shoes and sighed. "How long will we keep doing this, brothers? Spitting in each others shoes, pissing in each others Cokes?"
A synonym roll…
Except for the movie Up. He's never gonna give you Up.
"Oh you know….stuff. "
A rip off