Not funnt
I got fired from the sperm bank
I can't figure out why, it might have been that every time someone left I said "Thank you for coming"
My doctor said I was going deaf.
Haven't heard from him since.
An unpaid internship is nothing like actual slavery
Slaves are given food and housing.
I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, “What’s going on?” “You tell me?” replied my wife. I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.” “A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!” I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”
Flight attendant stop the bus I’m sea sick!
Sir you are on a train
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank…
The rabbit says, “I think I might be type o.”
Why should you never be abducted by a group of mime artists
Because they'll do unspeakable things to you.
A father decides to buy a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test the robot at dinner one night. He asks his son what he did that afternoon. The boy said "I did my homework." The robot slaps him. "Okay, okay! I watched a movie at my friend's house" said the boy. "What movie did you watch?" asked the father. The boy said "Toy Story." The Robot slapped him. "Okay, okay! We watched porn!" said the boy. "What?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was!" said the father. The robot slapped him. The mother laughed "Well, he certainly is your son!" The robot slapped her.
A Cable repairman was on my street today and he asked me what time it was.
I replied "It is between 1 and 8 pm."
I’m not sure if I like toast.
On the upside, it’s buttered. But on the downside, it’s not.
So many people these days are too judgemental
I can tell just by looking at them
I finally got myself a girlfriend!
I wish I could post this in another subreddit…
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.
They say today is Pi Day
but for me it will always be cake day!
How do u spell CANADA?
C, eh? N, eh? D, eh?
I’m not sure if I like the game Battleship
The experience has always been hit-or-miss for me.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider?
You spend too much time on the web
Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.
Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10. "Just don't tell Dad" she says. Hey, it's working thinks Little Johnny. An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and says: "Dad, I know everything." Dad gives Johnny $100. "Don't tell Mom" he says. Just then, the mailman knocks on the door. Johnny opens it and says. "I know everything, Mister." The mailman drops all his mail, his eyes tear up and he says: "Well then Johnny, come give Daddy a hug."
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
It was sole crushing.
Who do you call a guy with a block of iron on his head?
A metalhead \M/
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “Can you tell me what happened before The Big Bang?”
The professor replied, “Sorry. No Time.”
I’m having a small get together for Tom Hiddleston’s birthday
It’s a Loki event.
What do you call a dyslexic atheist?
A person who doesn't believe in dog.
Geology rocks but geography is where it’s at
No text found
I saw a man with one arm shopping at a second hand store.
I told him "you're not going to find what you're looking for."
A woman was in bed with 3 men when her husband came home.
One of them hid in the closet, the second one went under the bed, and the third one went to the balcony. After a while, the one under the bed came out and said: "OK, madam, your bed is fixed now." She told her husband that she called this guy to repair one of the legs of the bed. The husband thanks him and gives him money. Later, the one in the closet steps out and says "Now, your drawers are working properly." The husband thanks him too and gives him money. The one in the balcony, who saw everything but did not hear anything, came out with great excitement and said: "I fucked her too."
I saw an onion ring.
So I answered it.
What’s the best way to cook an alligator?
In a croc pot.
My grandma is in her 90’s and she still doesn’t need glasses…
She just drinks straight out of the bottle…
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." “It hasn't affected my brothers though."
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?
In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.
My friend Jay had twin daughters, and decided to name them after him.
They are named Kay and Elle.