My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He is a web designer.
While wandering in the desert I came across a lamp
When I rubbed it a Genie popped out. Genie: You have released me from my prison, in return I shall grant you three wishes. Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way won't it? Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a ……..
Who’s Santa’s favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley.
I asked my friend if he knew a pachyderm famous for its trunk. He suggested Dumbo.
But that was Ear-Elephant.
I had a difficult, emotional talk with my 9-year-old son this morning. There was a lot of crying and “nobody wants me on their team” and “I haven’t got any friends”.
Anyway, he was very nice about it and gave me some good tips for being more sociable.
There is a nudist club meeting on next Saturday.
I might go if I have nothing on.
I realized this while watching The Matrix Reloaded
I realized this while watching The Matrix Reloaded
Do you want to know why I love this floor?
It's always been so supportive.
You can’t trust constipated people
They're full of shit.
I ordered some glue online using Amazon, but it hasn’t arrived yet.
It’s probably stuck in the mail.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: My dad is in the hospital 1 week later Teacher: Is your dad still in the hospital? Student: Yes, he is a doctor
A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum.
A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum, fuming with anger. He yells at the top of his lungs "WHO THE FUCK, FUCKED MY WIFE!" Everybody stops, there's a lingering silence for a few seconds, then a guy in the back of the bar yells back "you haven't got enough bullets buddy."
A guy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar.
“I had sex with another woman last night,” he tells her. “But I was thinking of you the whole time.” “You miss me that much?” she asks. “No,” he says. “But it kept me from cumming too fast.
Wife: I have to tell you something, I am pregnant.
Husband- Hi Pregnant, I am Dad. Wife- No you're not.
Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
The Bard’s barber often asked him if he preferred a clipper cut.
And every time, William spake "shears."
What is the difference between Tatooine and Hoth?
On Tatooine you can find Mos Eisley. On Hoth you’ll find ice mostly.
Women really do hold grudges over the smallest things…
My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm and I accidentally gave her a tube of super glue. It's been a week now and she's still not talking to me.
I’ve just started up a dating site for chickens.
Its not my normal day job, I'm just doing it to make Hens meet.
Just got the perfect tool for making a good indian flat bread
it's a naan stick pan
What does sex and bungee jumping have in common?
The thrill only lasts about 30 seconds,and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.
What do you call a cage filled with Quarters, Dimes, and Pennies?
Nickel-less Cage!
Today just shocked my whole life
First i find out im adopted, then I found out that both of my dads are gay.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school yesterday?
He slept all through math.
Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN…
You make them VERY ANGRY.
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?
A lip reader
Where do you keep Arnold Schwarzenegger dolls in a store?
Aisle B, back.
A car
Therapist: So what brought you two here? Wife: I just hate how he takes things so literally? Therapist: What about you? Husband: A car.
Two surgeons are in an operating room…
One has a large cut. The second surgeon asks “would you like me to stitch that up for you?” The first surgeon says “no thanks, I’d prefer to close my own wound” The second surgeon replies “suture self”
Did you know that Terry Crews once had a heckler that mysteriously dropped dead?
Doctors said the man had died from dissin’ Terry
What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?
Rick O’Shea
Dad fell through a shop window.
Now he's in pane.
If It’s True About Their Aim, I Won’t Mind Having Them On My Side
If It’s True About Their Aim, I Won’t Mind Having Them On My Side
My wife only eats one type of yogurt and refuses to try any other brand.
She discriminates against other cultures.