Not gonna lie, made me laugh.
My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
You shouldn’t fart in the Apple Store
because they have no windows
Why dont ants get sick?
Because they have anty bodies.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital and her husband named the baby Carson.
and if you don’t get that that’s the best dad joke ever…. well 🤷🏼♀️
I saw a frenchmen playing a Wii.
He called it a Yes Box.
I took the shell off of my pet snail to see if it would move faster
But it just ended up being more sluggish.
My kid asked today where I learned to make ice-cream
I answered 'in sundae school', he laugh-snorted, my wife gave me the look we all know here.
Do you remember Limewire? You might have ruined your parents computer but it was worth it
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0kSU9d-PfMY
What did the vampire say after drinking the donkey’s blood?
Tastes like ass.
I went to a restaurant and they served me hydrogen atoms cooked at millions of degrees.
They said that it was a fusion cuisine.
As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way…
I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me after all.
You should always knock before opening the fridge..
Just in case there is a Salad Dressing
Why did the cannibal love Abraham Lincoln?
Because of the greatest speech ever written, "Four score and seven ears ago…"
A knife tried out for Varsity football
He didn't make the cut.
If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don’t they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?
Because they don't have access to black magic.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
No text found
How many typographers does it take to change a lightbulb?
I'd tell you, but you wouldn't really appreciate thr punchline with Reddit's default font.
Light travels faster than sound
which is why you seemed bright until you spoke.
Someone broke into my garage earlier today and stole my limbo stick.
I mean, how low can you go?
Someone accidentally mailed me 10 lbs of pot yesterday. So I did the right thing and called the cops.
They just came by and picked up all 4 pounds.
When you die, which part of the body is the last one to stop working?
The pupils. They dilate
I can always tell when I’m near an Indian restaurant
That's naan-sense, of course.
What do you call a masturbating Vegan?
A WeedWhacker (sorry if it’s awful first time on this sub)
Johnny paid his way through college by waitering in a restaurant.
"What's the usual tip?" asked a customer. "Well," said Johnny, "this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I'd be doing great." "Is that so?" growled the customer. "In that case, here's twenty dollars." "Thanks. I'll put it in my college fund," Johnny said. "By the way, what are you studying?" asked the customer. "Applied psychology." – Edit: This is not my joke
Some say that if you play Nickelback backwards you’ll hear Satan.
Even worse, if you play it forwards you'll hear Nickelback.
My wife hated that I didn’t have a sense of direction
So I packed my stuff up and right
What do you call a 3.14m long snake?
A πthon.
Scottish Humor
It’s called a “Kilt” because I kilt the last man who called it a skirt. Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order. A lot of people wonder what a true Scotsman wears under his kilt, but don't ask him: he'll not tell ya, he'll show ya. In Scotland, we have mixed feelings about Global Warming. For even though we might lose some of our southern cities, at least we'll get to sit on the mountains and watch the English drown. 🙂
A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50.
A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he is so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I have a big penis. I just wrap it around the bar and stay put. Go offer the owner 30 bucks for me. He'll take it." The man walks out of the store with the parrot and takes him home. They become best of friends. They talk sports, politics, current events. The man could not be happier. One day the man gets home from works and the parrot beckons him over with his wing…"Psst…come here. I need to talk to you." "What?" "It's about your wife." "Yeah, what about her?" "And the postman. Today he knocked and she answered the door in a skimpy black negligee." "What!" "Yes. And then they embraced in a long passionate kiss," the parrot went on. "Holy shit…that can't be possible." "It is. Then they went over to the couch and she slipped him out of his uniform and then things started to get really steamy." "Well," the man asks,"what happened next?" "I don't know," said the parrot. "I got a hard on and fell off my perch."
“I can’t ever see you again. I won’t let you hurt me like this again. Abuse is never OK.”
Trainer: It was one sit up. You did one sit up.
What did Netflix do when they found uncensored shots of Sandra Bullock’s vagina in Bird Box?
Bandersnatch. I'm sorry.
Why did Earth Day not affect /r/jokes?
Because everything is already 100% recycled.
Found this scrolling through my insta. Not screaming boomer but definitely boomer esq humor.
https://ift.tt/2NiAtSj
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it…
Why did the Mexican take a Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks
“Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud?”
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
Cardi B and Bill Cosby walk into a bar…
I don’t remember the rest.
A bottle of coke just fell out of the fridge onto my foot.
I’m so glad it was a soft drink