Not gonna lie they had us in the first half.
What do Japanese cannibals eat?
Raw men
Never start a pillow fight with Death…
…unless you're sure you can handle the Reaper cushions.
Knock knock who’s there Doris Doris who
Doris locked that’s why I’m knocking
What do French people say when riding a roller coaster?
OUUUIIIIIIIIII
I electrocuted myself this morning.
Don’t worry though, I don’t feel anything currently.
A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persisted and asked to see the manager. The boy said he'd ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager: 'Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence, he turned to suddenly find the man standing right behind him, so quickly he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.' The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?' ‘Canada, sir,' the boy replied. 'Well, why did you leave Canada?' the manager asked. The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.' ‘Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.' ‘No shit?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, “Take Your Kid to Work Day.” As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
What do you call Sad Island weather?
A Tropical Depression
If I had to get rid of one part of my body, I’d get rid of my spine.
Sometimes I feel like it's holding me back.
What do Mike and Sulley fill their pens with?
Monsters Ink
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
My friend showed me his huge comic book collection…
It was quite a Marvel.
Dont get mad at lazy people
They didn't do anything.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’d been with
She said yes, all the others had been nines and tens
Why can’t humans hear a dog whistle?
Because dogs can't whistle!
It’s really weird playing Uno with a Mexican.
They never get any green cards.
A charity was trying to convince the towns only millionaire in town to donate to them.
So they sent a worker to his mansion to try to convince him. When he asked the millionaire to donate, the millionaire became angry. "First," he said,"are you aware that my brother, a blind veteran who has four kids and a wife with terminal illness is being evicted in three days?" A little embarrassed, the charity worker replied. "Well, uhm no." "Also, did you know about my mother who is confined to a wheelchair and is living in a homeless shelter?" "Well no sir." "Exactly!" said the millionaire "So if I didn't help them, what makes you think I'll help you?"
What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?
Look, no hands!
Alabama and Lousiana here’s your chance to show America you’re not who we think you are
https://ift.tt/33jE0FJ
Most people think that T-Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms
But it's actually because they're dead
Does anyone know Bruce Lee’s dad’s name?
It's always been a Mr. Lee to me.
What do you call a deer that can’t see?
No eye deer What do you call a deer that can’t see and doesn’t have legs? Still no eye deer
I saw a lizard with angry red skin. It then turned orange! Then it turned yellow. Then green. Then blue. Then indigo, until it finally became a relaxing shade of violet.
Calmer, calmer, calmer, calmer, calmer chameleon.
My local church recently held a masquerade themed dinner and whilst the priest was saying grace I suddenly realised…
It was a blessing in disguise.
There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake….
There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor. When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides. EDIT: holy crap this is my most upvoted post. Thank you all!
What one food reduces a woman’s sex drive by 90%?
Wedding cake.
I haven’t worked in over a year.
Don't tell my boss I said that.
My Math teacher told me 0! = 1
But my computer teacher told me 0 != 1
What do you call a bacterial disease caused by two grizzlies ?
Twobearculousis
Short and sweet cannibal joke
Did you know cannibals don’t exist anymore… I ate the last one yesterday
What did the copper say to the scientist who was going back home
Cu Tips of to my classmate for telling me this
I’m not sure if my ceiling is the best i’ve ever had
but it's certainly up there.