Not gonna lie, took me a second
Did you know a school of piranha can devour a child in 30 seconds
Anyhow today I lost my job at the aquarium
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Don’t know, don’t care.
What do you call a magical bra?
An abracadabra.
If you see somebody robbing an Apple store,
does that make you an iWitness?
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
It’s gonna take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes we arson
My uncle used to breed and sell parakeets…
they were flying off the shelves but he switched to chickens and they didn't take off. So he tried ducks and then it was all bills, bills, bills.
What did the reindeer say to a kid before telling them a joke?
“This one is gonna sleigh you.”
We should have known communism wouldn’t work
There were so many red flags.
I caught my husband coming to a brothel and I’m not sure what to do now.
On the one hand he is unfaithful, but on the other hand it was nice that he visited me at work.
How many optometrists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
1 or 2? 2 or 3?
A man gives his wife blood to keep her alive.
Later they split up, man says, I want my fucking blood back, wife throws a tampon at him and says I'll pay monthly.
Why is japan the healthiest country in the world?
Because the last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make things interesting.”
So we stopped playing chess.
I’m beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn’t actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
It takes me 10 minutes to walk to the bar, but an hour to walk home.
The difference is staggering.
I got a bar installed into my roof.
Just so whenever I have guests I can say "drinks are on the house".
Why do programmers prefer dark mode?
Cause light attracts bugs.
A cowboy sees a bunch of American Indians on the horizon and thinks: ”I’m fucked…”, but a voice in the back of his head says: ”Not so fast! Kill the chief!!!”
''What?! Why?'' – thinks the cowboy. ''Just kill the chief!'' – says the voice. The cowboy hesitated a bit more and than drew his gun and shot the chief. As the chief was falling from his horse the voice in the cowboy's head said: ''Now you're fucked…''
TIL eusocial insects of the family Formicidae NEVER get sick because…
…they have those tiny anty bodies…
When can women make you a millionaire?
When you're a billionaire.
I beat my wife at dominos the other night.
She needs to learn that I choose the pizza toppings.
The lockdown is getting to me…
Now, when I see a nurse in a porno, I stand up and clap.
Just want to say fuck mosquitos and it’s in sight when I see one
Just want to say fuck mosquitos and it’s in sight when I see one
Dads are like Boomerangs.
I hope.
If you think climate change is bad now wait until our aerosol hairspray usage goes up 5000%
https://ift.tt/2Qaa2Qp
What do you get when you cross an insomniac, a dislexic and an agnostic?
Somebody who stays up all night, debating whether or not there is a dog.
Old but gold
A new Army Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there. "Well, sir," was the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have …m-m-m…. urges. That's why we have the camel, sir." The Captain said, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain started having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asked the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stood on it, pulled down his pants, and had wild, insane sex with the camel. When he was done, he asked the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" "Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replied. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
Joseph Stalin is giving a speech to his army.
When all of the sudden in the midst of a paticularly moving segment, he hears a loud, uproarious sneeze coming from amongst the crowd. Stalin stops speaking, glares at the soldiers, becomes very visibly annoyed, and says "Who sneezed?…" All of the soldiers don't say anything, some of them start to sweat and others nervously glance around. After a brief moment Stalin motions towards a few soldiers with him on the stage. "Execute the first row…" he commands, and the soldiers on stage begin opening fire at the first row of troops on the ground. "I'll ask again, who sneezed?" says Stalin. Another pause, and no one speaks up. Finally Stalin says "Execute the…" but before he can finish, a soldier about 4 rows back raises his hand and says "It was me General Secretary Stalin! I'm the one who sneezed." Stalin then stares cold and hard at the soldier who spoke up for an uncomfortable amount of time, before he leans towards his microphone and says "Bless you."
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver…
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile…