Not mine, but I don’t know if this is here yet
Hahaha FuNnY number
Haha yes forgot the kids
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What exactly happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. No time.”
What do you call a wandering caveman?
I decided to try something new and get my wife a box of red hot chili peppers for Valentines
she told me "give it away, give it away, give it away NOW" !
Intern Day 1 !
My wife lost weight and started seeing ghosts…
Now she’s a medium.
Car is to Carpet
ohshitgit.com by @UserInputSucks
A drumset is a very deep instrument
It's full of cymballism.
What did the Atheist say upon dying and meeting God?
Well I’ll be damned.
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests
He goes over to the first priest and says, "Dude, I'm Jesus Christ!" And the priest says, "No son, you're not." So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says, "Man, I'm Jesus Christ!" Then the priest says, "No son, you're not." Finally, the drunk had had enough and said, "Here, I'll prove it." He walks back into the bar with both priests and the bartender looks up and sees the drunk and says, "JESUS CHRIST, you're back AGAIN?"
21 tO oWn CeLl PhOnE pLz
My girlfriend said that quilts are better than duvets..
I told her she should be careful making blanket statements like that.
What could be worse than my wife?
The quarantine has brought a bountiful harvest to the family group chat from my mother
Dad Joke Witnessed IRL
Just heard the best Dad joke in real time at the Jiffy Lube and I bet this guy has been waiting his whole life for this moment. Clerk: "Sir, are you here for an oil change?" Guy (probably in his 70s): "No, but the car is." Clerk: (puts head on desk and starts laughing)
A little boy asks grandpa to make a noise like a frog. Grandpa asks why?
Because mummy said the moment you croak is when we're all going to Disneyland!
It’s almost like price gouging should be illegal
A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive
"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth paying to replace so many devices!" "Then why are Androids so much cheaper?", asked the journalist. "Because," said Tim Cook, "an Android replaces just one device. The iPhone."
[X-post] political humor
seen at a safe driving even my school hosted (they gave extra if kids came)
I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.
It was a risk I was willing to take.
Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex
They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.
Did you hear about the movie called constipation?
It hasn't come out yet
I need a camera so I can…
My uncle with a stutter was recently sent to prison…
He's never going to finish his sentence.
My boss accused me of stealing, and fired me from my job at the furniture store. But I regret nothing.
Sometimes you have to take a stand.
This is not acceptable.
Kanye goes sicko mode
Did you know there was a Knight who always refused to fight in battle?
His name was Sir Render.
Because only boomers remember books.
days since last timezone issue [fixed]
Fr tho, I see it everyday
I was really bored, so I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
How does a lawyer stop the bleeding?
Who’s there? Yah. Yah who? Sorry I prefer Google.
“YoU’rE pUsHiNg Me To tHe RiGhT!”
My Grandfather has the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the zoo
Two old Jews are walking past a church
A sign out front reads, "Convert to Catholicism, get $20." The first Jew keeps walking, but soon notices his friend has stopped to take a closer look at the sign. "You're not actually thinking about doing that, are you?" he asks his friend. The second Jew turns back and says, "I don't know, twenty dollars is twenty dollars." He goes inside the Church, and comes back out about thirty minutes later. "So," says the first Jew, "did you get the twenty dollars?" The second Jew turns to his friend and says, "Oy, is that all you people think about?"
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?" "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."
Found on Grandpa’s Facebook
JUsT pAy It BaCk!!1!
Looks like you couldn’t handle the Neutron Style 😎😎😎
Dante would be proud
haha get it cos new generation don’t care anout their survival
Thanksgiving and politics at the dinner table…
Can a ninja throw stars?
Was going to make a joke about childbirth…
But it's hard to deliver
“Why are you telling me this story about a male hen?” I asked the bartender, confused.
He just looked at me and replied, "You asked for a cock tale, sir."
I can’t stand when people kick me in the back of the leg
No text found
Arriving early bad
hAhA sEx FuNnY!!1!
Where’s the lie?
git stash save “It went to fuck”
There’s nothing like the first floor of a house. But the upstairs…
Well that’s a different story.
2020 isn’t finished yet.
Jamie pull that up
When my friends and family tell me that I should go to therapy
Does anyone want to be in a platonic relationship?
I’m asking for a friend.
*periodic table funny*
I chuckled at this