Random dad: How can I help you? Man: Call me an ambulance! Random dad: You're an ambulance
I’m not buying it.
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back." "That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
Darth Braider (I know, I know. She's a kid though. Lol)
Dave: I want to be rich. Genie: And your second wish? Rich: I want lots of money.
How do I bury it
A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table. He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face. And said, “I went by your grandma’s house and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is fine!” The biker looked at him and didn’t say a word. His buddies were confused, because he was a bad ass and would fight at he drop of a hat. The drunk leaned on the table again. And he said “I got it on with your grandma. And she is good. The best I ever had!” The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad. The drunk leaned on the table again and said,”I’ll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!” The biker stood up and took the drunk by the shoulder. And said, “Damn it, Grandpa, you’re drunk! Go home!”
I told her it's about time.
She was filthy and smelled awful but I knew under all the grime there was a pretty girl. So I took her in and bathed her and as I towelled her down I became aroused. One thing led to another and next minute we were frantically fucking on the bathroom floor. At one point I was banging her so hard you'd have sworn she was still alive
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog…
But it's hard to deliver
Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It’s a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says, “Pierre, kiss me!”
So, Pierre grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie`s lips. “What are you doing, Pierre?” shrieks Marie. “Well, my name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!” His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So she says, “Pierre, kiss me lower.” Pierre rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her tits. “Pierre, what are you doing?” “My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!” They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into his ear, “Pierre, kiss me lower.” Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her bush. He grabs a match and lights it on fire. Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, “PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?” “My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!”
Your pupils, they dilate.
While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: “Yes.”
Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine replied, "Yes, sir!"
Would it become an Edison?
A brothel sprout (I’ll let myself out)
because it’s in the middle of water
Apparently the correct terms are "cremation" and "burial".
Look for fresh prints
But when I do, he usually laughs
My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.
I can tell you I nearly shit her pants
notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?" "Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money…" The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?" "Pay first. Those are the rules," says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. "O.K.," the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do: First, you have to drink an entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there is pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there's a 90 year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've got to make things right for her." The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then do those other things!" "Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is." As time goes on the man has a few drinks, then a few more, and he asks, "Where's zat tequila?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a few big slurps. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body. "NOW," he says, "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
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Well, that’s the plan, anyways
Fat. You get fat. What? Like I would make a pie joke on my cake day?