Not my screenshot, I didn’t upvote it.
How does the man on the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long
A pithon Happy pi day
What do you call a 5 foot psychic that escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
I asked what LGBTQ meant..
I couldn’t get a straight answer.
I met the woman of my dreams in Korea
She's my Seoul mate
Gay people have no excuse to have a bad fashion sense
Like homie what were you doing in the closet that whole time
Pandemic jokes are the funniest
Because everyone gets it
A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. “I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will sell me your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, your parent’s souls, your grandparent’s souls, and the souls of all your friends.
The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"
My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.
“You’re coming home now!” she screamed. “No, I’m not,” I laughed. She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”
I was being shown around a house. “What are the dimensions of this room?” I asked the guy.
He said, "Height, width, and length."
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.
More on this after the break.
My girlfriend used to be a hoe but she got fat
Now she's a shovel
People named Victor must be very successful historians.
Because history is always written by the Victor.
Isn’t it weird when sometimes you’re thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?
Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating
I named my dog “5 miles” so I could say “I walked 5 miles”
But today, I ran over 5 miles
Singing in the shower is great until you get shampoo in your mouth
Then it's a soap opera
Pizza clerk: We have a special today – buy one pizza, get the second one free
Dad: Then we'll just have the second one !
Three women die and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says: “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says: “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this man!” The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and is very careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says: “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?” The guy says: “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”
Why is your nose is the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
I named my dog insane.
So when people ask me ‘are you fucking insane?’ I’ll say no, I’m fucking my sister.
A dog gets lost into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before”.
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace.The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm…that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says "woah!This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top,a monkey witnessed everything.Evidently,the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily"get on my back,we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog.The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago… "
Do you know why I don’t do threesomes?
Because if i wanted to disappoint two people at once, I'd visit my parents.
What do you call a short mexican?
A paragraph, because hes too short to be an esse
Why is everyone who works at the keyboard factory so rich?
They put in a lot of shifts.
I hate the stigma around mental health
Immediately when I got medication for schizophrenia, my friends won't talk to me anymore.
When 2 people have sex, its a twosome. When 3 people have sex, its a threesome
Now I know why people call you handsome
Does someone recognize the icons in this video and understand what the hell is going on?
https://ift.tt/2XA3Raj
What do you say to a Jedi who stole your sicilian dessert?
"You owe me one cannoli."
