Not really “humor” but very boomer
Am I only the only one who thinks this “meme” is BS? Like ywd she be a class.
https://ift.tt/3esMeRl
Onions make you cry
My mate thinks he's smart, he says onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a Coconut at his face.
Two blondes went out deer hunting…
…and they managed to shoot a deer. They started dragging the deer by the hind legs to get it back to their pick up truck. An experienced hunter saw them and said, "No, girls, you're doing it wrong. You're dragging against the grain of the deer's hair. If you drag by the antlers, you'll be pulling with the grain of the hair, and it will be much easier." So the two blondes started dragging their deer by the antlers. After about 20 minutes, one said to the other, "You know, that old guy was right! It's so much easier to drag the deer by the antlers, it's like it's just gliding along the ground." "Yeah, he was," said the other blonde. "But we sure are getting far away from our pick up."
A family at the dinner table
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
Have you guys tried blindfolded archery?
You don’t know what you’re missing!
What is a geographers favourite genre of music?
World music
I want to die like my grandpa did, in his sleep
Not screaming like the people in the back of his car.
A man is walking in the woods when he finds a suitcase.
He opens the suitcase and inside are three foxes. So he calles emergency services and says "I just found three foxes in a suitcase. What should I do?" "Well," the operator said, "Are they moving?" "I don't know," he said, "But that would explain the suitcase."
What do you call a deer that can’t see?
No eye deer What do you call a deer that can’t see and doesn’t have legs? Still no eye deer
An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Australian, are hiking through the South American jungle
When all of sudden, they see a crystal clear pool at the foot of a mountain. They're all hot and tired, so naturally, they strip off and jump in, and to their surprise, that are captured by natives. They are brought in front of the chief and told that the pool is sacred. He tells them that they are to be killed and skinned, and that their skins will be made into canoes to float on the pool as a permanent reminder, but in one last act of mercy, he will grant them one last request, so the Frenchman pipes up, "I would like a knife, Si vous plait", so he is brought a knife and he plunges it into his chest, "you savages will never kill me! Vive la France!" and he dies. The Englishman is asked what he wants and also requests a knife, and also plunges it into his chest, "you will never kill me! God save the Queen!". The natives then turn to the Australian, and surprisingly he requests a fork, they oblige and hand him on, and he starts stabbing himself all over, the natives are looking in surprise and he looks at them and says, "well there goes your fuckin' canoe"
I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, “What’s going on?” “You tell me?” replied my wife. I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.” “A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!” I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”
My wife is happy with COVID-19. I must not kiss nor hug anybody, always keep a safe distance and avoid public places and social occasions.
To be honest, she was always happy with her Redditor husband.
When Mozart was alive, he was composing. Now that he’s dead,
He's decomposing
An adorable old woman visits the doctor.
“Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least ten times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because it doesn’t smell and is silent.” The doctor says, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.” The next week the lady returns. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly.” “Good,” the doctor says. “Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”
Guy 1: “If my boss doesn’t take back what he said to me, I’m leaving the company.” Guy 2: “What did he say?”
Guy 1: "Leave the company."
I Don’t Think That Bulldog Is Willing To Cheer For Your Team
I Don’t Think That Bulldog Is Willing To Cheer For Your Team
What do you call a bisexual person who is single?
They are on standbi
Why did the hipster fall in the lake?
He went ice skating before it was cool.
I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side.
I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me. And I would like to thank my fingers because I can always count on them.
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than him
“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.” God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?” “Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.” “Exactly,” said God, “and when people rode in this man’s taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed.”
Best laugh I’ve had in a long time.
So my dog was barking at something outside and I was chilling in my recliner. I called her over to me, looked her dead in the eyes and told her she has barkinson’s disease. I then burst out in laughter almost falling out of my chair.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax ?
For Hispanic attacks
Did you know chickens die after sex?
Well, at least that's been my experience so far.
What is the opposite of adulting?
Just kidding.
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. They are efficient and not very funny
For 2020 my goal is to be less condescending to people.
Condescending means to talk down to someone.
Trump’s gonna build the wall out of…
Hillary's emails. Nobody can get over those fuckin' things apparently