“not republican, I’m libertarian” starter pack
Marijuana is legal and haircuts are against the law.
It took half a century but Hippies finally won.
Damn babe are you a Minneapolis police officer?
'Cos you're breathtaking..
What did the green grape say to the purple grape
Breathe idiot, breathe!
Why did the student Google all the topics related to his essay twice?
Because he was asked to research.
Dad: I’m giving all your toys to the orphanage
Kid: Why are you doing that? Dad: So you don't get bored there.
I told my wife I wanted to name our unborn son Obvious.
She said, "That's a stupid name." I said, "Now you're gestating the Obvious."
A guy hears a noise on his roof. He goes outside and sees a large black bear on the roof.
So he calls an animal trapper and explains the situation. The trapper says he'll be right over. About an hour later, the trapper rolls up in a huge pickup truck with a large metal cage in the bed. He gets out of the truck followed by a tough looking pitbull. The dog looks pretty beat up, with a torn ear, a jagged pink scar running down its side, and what appears to be a chunk of its lip missing. The guy looks nervously at the dog. "So, what's the plan?" he says, shaking the trapper's hand. "Pretty simple, actually," the trapper says as he unloads a ladder. "I climb up onto the roof, knock the bear to the ground. Then Trigger here grabs the bear by the balls and drags it to the cage. The bear will go in to get away from the dog, the cage door will snap shut, and we're done." The guy looks dubiously from the dog to the bear to the cage. The trapper then pulls a shotgun out of a holster in the back of the truck and hands it to the guy. "Wait, what's the shotgun for?" the guy asks. "Simple. When I climb the roof, if the bear knocks me off, shoot the fucking dog."
I was Diagnosed with chronic fear of Giants
FeeFiphobia
I’m honestly getting concerned when thinking about this.
I’m honestly getting concerned when thinking about this.
Did you know you should always take an extra pair of pants golfing?
Just in case you get a hole in one.
Ever hear the joke about the monorail?
It's a one-liner
Two police officers slammed their fists on my door.
"We've come to inspect your house for drugs!" they shouted. I said, "Fuck off. Get your own."
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet because it’s a sobering reminder of why…
…there's never any money in there.
To the person that stole my broken bathroom scale,..
You won’t get a weigh with this!
On average, a panda feeds for approximately 12 hours a day. It’s the same with humans under quarantine.
That’s why it’s called a “Pandemic”.
What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bale
A dog sees a “Now hiring” poster outside of a computer store.
The poster reads: "Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer." The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room. 30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter. "Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?", he asks himself. 20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running website for the store. He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well… you're a dog." The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer" on the poster, and the manager sighs. "There's no way you're bilingual." The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, "Meow."
Сафари парк львов Тайган
https://ift.tt/33T3qd9
hope this hasnt been posted already, but here goes
what did the buffalo say to his son when he left? bi-son
I turned 18 today, and to celebrate I bought a locket and put my own picture in it…
I guess I really am independent!
A duck walks into a bar…
One lunchtime a duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and an all day breakfast. The bartender looks at him and says, "Fucking hell! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender. "I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my fry up please?" "Certainly, sorry about that" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his fry up, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens every lunchtime for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him: "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats fry ups, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus," says the bartender. "The circus?" repeats the duck. "That's right," replies the bartender. "The fucking circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?" "Yeah!" the bartender replies. "With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?" says the duck. "Of course," the bartender replies. "And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a fucking big hole in the middle?" says the duck. "That's right!" says the bartender. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: "Why the fuck would they want a plasterer?"
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
I know it's hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes.
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it’s his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and his girlfriend meets him at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!” she says. The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are already seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and Whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.” The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a Pharmacist.”
“I love you loads, honey pie.” My wife said earlier.
“And I love you tons.” I replied. “What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed. Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf.
What’s a pirates least favourite letter?
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Sincerely, your service provider.
The best joke I can think of is quarantine.
If you don't get it, it's because it's an inside joke.
I suspected my girlfriend was a ghost right from the beginning
Starting with the moment she walked through those doors.
I bought a handgun from a T-Rex..
…because he is a small arms dealer!
Living with Roommates
If any of you have roommates that you love to death, please don't watch this video. For those of you who have those roommates that drive you up a wall and you are questioning your sanity on a daily basis, please watch this video. Video Link: https://youtu.be/ec2giEHgg4I