Not so funny, really.
Did you hear about the guy who was obsessed with buying condos?
He had an apartment complex.
I am a proud antivax parent of 4 children.
Edit: 3 children Edit: 2 Edit: 1 Edit: 0
What do you call a psychic midget who escaped from jail?
A small medium at large
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer the other day…
I donāt know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
Whats green, has six legs and if it falls from a tree it will kill you?
Ā A snooker table
I’ve been reading ‘Lord Of The Rings’ and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life…
Must be the same ring I put on when I got married…
A slice of pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
My friend told me she doesn’t like Roman Numerals because you can’t make puns from them.
I told her, I for one, like Roman Numerals.
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey… a deal's a deal.
I once had sex with a girl in an apple orchard
I then came in cider.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
In honor of Trumpās birthday, hereās a portrait of Americaās last great president.
https://ift.tt/2XZEgJO
āI canāt believe that youāve been visiting prostitutes for sex,ā my wife screamed at me. āIām really disappointed.ā
āYou can hardly blame me,ā I answered. āItās not like I was getting any from you.ā āWell, thatās your own fault,ā she replied. āYou never told me you were willing to pay for it.ā
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up
A desert island with six women
A bloke found himself stranded on a desert island with six women. To keep it fair, it was decided he would service a different woman every night and have Mondays free. After a few months the man was exhausted, realising how tiring it was to perform constantly every night except one. Then one day, to his joy, he found a man washed up on the beach who would be able to take some of the workload from him. However, his hopes were shattered when the man's first words were, "Hi, gorgeous, how about the kiss of life?" 'Oh f*ck,' thinks the man, 'there goes Mondays.'
My son didn’t cope well with going to jail.
He refused to eat or drink anything. He swore at everyone and covered his room with his own shit. After that, we never played Monopoly again.
Whenever I’m sad my German friend throws bread at me
A nice game of gluten tag always cheers me up.
Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis
Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.
My son just threw a milk carton at me
How dairy
I have to pay for a bus ticket?
I guess it's only fare
My dog has a problem with chasing people on bicycles.
It's gotten so bad that I had to take his bike away.
What happens if life gives you melons?
You're dyslexic.
A man ran into the bar and asked the bartender how tall is a penguin.
The bartender gives a rough estimate and say "about this tall I suppose." The man replied "Oh fuck I ran over a nun!"
Why is it dangerous to play cards in Africa?
Because all the Cheetahs are too easy to spot, and there are others who will end up Lion to you.
Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. āThank you for flying with us. The weather is….ā
Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, āOH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!ā Then silence. A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, āIām terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap…you should see my pants!!ā A voice from the back of the plane yelled, āWhy donāt you come here and see ours?ā
Told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids…
In one ear, out the other.
I want to be a mailman, but my friends keep telling me Iāll be terrible at it.
Oops, posted this in the wrong place.
While most puns make me feel numb,
mathematics puns make me feel number.
3 rednecks were working on a cell tower…
Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.' Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?' 'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow." ' She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.' Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.
Pretty woman sneezes…
At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
I was going to make a joke about my spine, but I think it was a repost. Did anyone see it here earlier?
It was about a weak back.
