Not so funny, really.
Yo mamma’s so ugly…
Yo daddy takes her to work with him every day so he doesn’t have to kiss her goodbye.
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
Two years ago my doctor told me I’m going deaf
I haven't heard back from him since
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator!
Little known fact-
Captain Hook bought his hook from a second hand store.
I was thrown out of music school for plagiarism.
They thought I was stealing songs, but I was just taking notes.
Pro tip for the kitchen. If you’re out of onions and you really need one…
Just take your opinion and subtract 3.14.
Jim and John wanted a drink real bad, but they barely had a euro between them
Jim and John wanted a drink real bad, but they barely had a euro between them. Jim had an idea. He bought a large sausage. They went into a pub and ordered 4 drinks each. Jim said, "Don't worry, I have a plan. I'll stick the sausage through my zipper & you go on your knees and put it in your mouth. The bartender will get mad and throw us out." They did exactly that, and sure enough, the bartender threw them out of the Pub. They then went from pub to pub, had free drinks, and each & every time, they were thrown out. By the time they got to the 10th pub, John said, "I can't do this anymore, I am drunk & my knees are killing me." Jim replied, "How do you think I feel.. I can't even remember at which pub I lost the Sausage!!
What do you call a zombie who stir fries?
Dead Man Wokking
r/jokes Has 18 Million subscribers!
It's amazing what 7 jokes can do
Why do the riot police always arrive early to protests?
Because they like to beat the crowd.
What do you call cows that have a sense of humor?
Laughing stock
My friends asked me why I’ve mysteriously been hanging grapes outside to dry.
I told them, “I have my raisins.”
Today I hit my son in the head with a soda can
Lucky it was a soft drink
My dad used to change wheels on cars.
Now he's retired.
Why didn’t the Mexican archer fire his bow?
He didn’t habanero
When I get into the shower naked
The shower gets turned on.
It feels weird masturbating to dead pornstars
The weirdest part is having to rebury them
I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side.
I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me. And I would like to thank my fingers because I can always count on them.
What do you call a farm when none of the cows give milk?
An udder disaster.
Did you hear about the man who was arrested for stealing electricity?
He was cleared of all charges.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m out standing in my field…
But hay, it's in my jeans.
A proud mom gave birth to twins that she named Juan and Amal.
She only carries one picture because once you’ve seen Juan you’ve seen Amal.
The best thing about Japanese porn is they censor it,
so I can watch it with my family.
Wife was cleaning 12 year old son’s bedroom
When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 2:30 AM!
Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums
Create new password: Tomato
Confirm new password: Tomato Passwords don't match.
One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the driver lowered a window.
"I’ll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car," said the driver. "No way! Get lost!" replied the boy. "How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?" the driver asked. "I said no way," replied the boy. "What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?" asked the driver. "No, I’m not getting in the car," answered the boy. "Okay, I’ll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars," the driver offered. "No!" replied the boy. "What will it take to get you in the car?" asked the driver. The boy replied: "Listen, Dad, you bought the Prius, you live with it!"
What do you call chickens who count their eggs?
A mathamachicken
Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?
Because one more and they would get too farty
Daddy, what is clickbait?
No text found
I’m frightened of elevators
I’m taking steps to avoid them now