not sure if it’s already been posted
Top Reddit posters should use their karma to help the environment.
They are already experts at recycling.
My dad always told me that I am special, that I’m the 1%.
Later in life, i learned that condoms only work 99% of the time.
An old man is trying to figure out how to choose which one of his three sons should inherit his farm
So one morning he decides to give them each a duck and tells them whoever sells it for the most money gets the farm, and all 3 of them set out to sell their ducks. The oldest son comes back an hour later and says "i got 10 dollars for my duck dad" to which the father replies "not bad." The second oldest son comes back 5 hours later and says "well dad, I got 5 dollars, a basket of apples, and a basket of oranges." To which the dad replies "very good son!" The youngest son is having trouble selling his duck so he decides to just give it away to the first person he sees. He's walking past a brothel and sees a nice looking hooker and asks her "you want a free duck?" She is confused but says yes and then asks him if he wants a free session for it, and he accepts. After they get done she says that he was so good she wants to go again, and he says sure but only if he can have his duck back. She agrees, they go again, and he walks out with his duck. On his way home a car coming down the road startles the duck, it flies into the road and gets hit. The man driving the car hops out and starts freaking out and says "I'm so sorry! Here's 20 bucks for your duck!" the boy takes the money and heads home leaving the duck on the side of the road. When he gets home the father says "wow you've been gone a long time! What did you get for your duck?" The son says "a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and 20 bucks for a fucked up duck."
What do you call a liquified bread drink
Carbo-Hydrate
Why is dark spelled with a k and not with a c?
Because you can’t see in the dark
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…
…but they're having a really hard time putting their case together…
I want to die in my sleep like my grandpa
Not screaming like the passengers in the car.
I just found out I was dating a communist..
I can’t believe I missed all the red flags
Wife: I have to tell you something.. I’m pregnant
Dad: Hi pregnant, I'm dad Wife: No you arent
As a scarecrow, people say I’m out standing in my field…
But hay, it's in my jeans.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body.
He'll be born in April
I made a playlist for hiking!
It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my….Trail Mix.
Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.
If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in.
“Mom, I’m dating a man.”
"Who's the lucky man, sweetheart?" "Mike the mailman." "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!" "But mom, age is just a number." "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I asked, "Who is this guy?" My grandfather said, "He's my hip replacement."
What do you get from a pampered Cow?
Spoiled milk.
Since it’s Fathers Day, my wife asked if I could tell dad jokes all day tomorrow.
I told her I don’t know anyone named Morrow.
Police are like a box of chocolates
They'll kill your dog
How do you like them apples?
A guy sits down at the bar, and asks for a Rum & Coke The bartender plops an apple in front of him. "But I wanted a drink" The bartender says "Just try it." The guy bites into the apple, and says "Wow, this tastes just like rum!" "Turn it around," says the bartender. The guy bites into the other side of the apple and says "Wow, this tastes just like Coke. Amazing!" Another guy sits down, orders a Gin & Tonic. The bartender plops down an apple in front of him. "I want a drink, not food" The first guy says "Trust me, just taste it." He bites into the apple, and says "Wow, this tastes just like Gin" "Turn it around," says the bartender. He bites into the other side, and says "Wow, this tastes just like Tonic. Amazing!" A third guy sits down. "What can I get for you?" the bartender asks. "Hmm, let me think" The first guy says "Whatever you want, he has an apple that tastes just like it." The guy says "Oh yeah, do you have one that tastes like pussy?" The bartender plops down an apple in front of him. He takes a bite, and spits it out, screaming "This tastes like SHIT" "Turn it around" says the bartender.
My favorite response when I’m canceling an account and they force me to give them feedback
https://ift.tt/33TlSnc
A woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap.
"Because he used to live in a brothel," says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
What do you call cows that have a sense of humor?
Laughing stock
Why do meremaids wear seashell bras?
Because B shells are too small and D shells are too big.
So I can legit ride a unicycle. My mom told me it was a waste of time and would never get me anywhere in life….
I said “no mom! Where there’s a wheel, there’s a way!”
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid!
