Not sure if my Hentai collection is right for this sub. Posting anyway.
I lent a girl my umbrella yesterday
now the amount of girls I made wet this year is -1. 🙁
If you boil a funny bone….
It becomes a laughing stock
What do an English teacher and a Coder have in common?
They're both pro-grammars
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says…
"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' … and she's always sound asleep."
What do you call people who take care of chickens?
Chicken Tenders
My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
A tree’s first winter must be terrifying.
Imagine the releaf they feel in spring.
If you’re not part of the solution,
you're part of the precipitate.
What do you call the security guards at the Samsung store?
Guardians of the Galaxy
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fu Cologne.
My girlfriend poked me in the eye the other day…
I stopped seeing her for a while.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician
And a Czech one too. A Czech one too.
I married my wife for her looks,
but not the ones she’s been giving me lately.
I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal
Elongate would be really drawn out.
What is the tallest building in the world?
The library,it's got the most stories
A stormtrooper walks into a bar and orders a martini
The bartender asks while handing the stormtrooper his drink, "Shouldn't you not be drinking on the job?" The stormtrooper arches his eyebrow, "And hit what I'm aiming for?"
Ikea failed miserably at processed meat products business
Someone ordered meatballs and Ikea sends them a cow with DIY instructions
When I buy my wife something made of gold,
she always gazes at me in Au.
A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman.
The General replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief, said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and General went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the General and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956…" The General looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."
What was Matthew McConaughey’s least favourite part of Interstellar?
When the girl gets older, and he stays the same age.
So, this dude was walking down a beach and kicked a lamp, and a magic genie pops out.
The genie gives him the old "you freed me, so I will grant you a wish" thing that genies do. So the guy says "I love riding my motorcycle. I would love to ride it around the world. Can you build a highway that connects the entire world together?" The genie pauses for a moment, and with a look of disappointment tells the guy "while I am in fact a mighty powerful genie, not all wishes can be granted. A wish of that magnitude is impossible. Think of something else". The guy thinks for a moment and says "ya know what Gene? I love reading reddit. One of my favorite subreddits is r/jokes, but all that is there are reposts. Can you get some new material on there for me?" The genie replies "Ok…..so was that a two lane, or four lane highway?"
Brett Kavanaugh has stated that he will not be pressured into withdrawing his Supreme Court bid by the allegations made against him.
He sounds like the kind of guy who just won't take 'no' for an answer.
I’ll be celebrating my birthday next month, but only for half a minute.
It's my thirty second birthday after all.
The only thing that Flat-Earthers fear.
Is sphere itself.
I hate the word “xenophobia”
it just sounds so…foreign
I love how Pit Bull announces himself at the beginning of every song
giving us time to change the song.
On the news: “nearly 29,000 women have their breast implants removed every year”
Me, to my wife: “that’s stupid. I would think most women only need to have them removed once!”
I just poked myself in the eye.
I can’t see myself doing that again any time soon.
You’ve heard of “click it or ticket”, a slogan telling drivers to use a seatbelt or they will get fined…
Now get ready for the new slogan of 2020: “Mask it or Casket”!
Modern comic relying on a 1970s/early 80s commercial reference for Reese’s cups
https://ift.tt/33ypmvc