Not sure if this belongs here but I found a poem that I wrote when I was a kid. A bit harsh I’d say..
Im not a father but I make dad jokes.
I guess I'm a faux pas.
What’s a gay man’s favorite emoji?
😀 Because it puts a D right next to a colon.
What’s a group of chubby newborns called?
Heavy infantry
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
When I was young, at bedtimes…
My mum used to tell me fairy stories with a happy ending. Just one of the benefits of having a masseuse as a parent I guess.
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket…
You can hide but you can't run!
You know being self quarantined isn’t even that boring
But I am surprised that there are 7884 grains of rice in one pack, and 7892 in another.
Did you hear about the mathematician that was afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them
America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona
By keeping the first one going
Wtf is an acronym.
No text found
Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmatian.
It was the least I could do for the guy.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent!
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss
I took a viagra this morning but it got stuck in my throat
I’ve had a stiff neck all day
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it’s cheaper…
My girlfriend changed a lot after she became vegan.
Its like I've never seen herbivore.
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination?
HAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNDDDD EYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Whstd red…
Whats red and smells like blue paint? Red paint
The vagina has more than 8000 nerve endings
But it’s still not nearly as sensitive as Reddit.
What’s your favorite thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
If Jesus was real, they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion…
They would call it the crucifact.
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo…
We’ll keep you updated as the story unfolds…
Did you know that I was once addicted to the Hokey Pokey?
But I turned myself around.
It takes guts
To be an organ donor
Why can’t you give credit to elbow for bending the arm?
Because it's a Joint effort
In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes (old Soviet joke)
"What did they arrest you for?" asks the first. "Was it a political or common crime?" "Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven years."
I drew a graph of all my previous relationships.
It had an ex axis, and a why axis. . Credit to /u/Viewedaskew on /r/jokes
It is humorous because the gop genuinely think trump is beloved to ALL veterans
https://ift.tt/32aFD8i
Two antennas on a roof fell in love and got married. The wedding wasn’t much..
But the reception was incredible!
I have to brag, I have sex almost every day…
Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday…
My sister bet me $15 that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.
What do you call a blind dinosaur
A doyouthinkhesaurus
What do you call a T-Rex that can fly
A Dino-soar
My friend lost his job at the dairy farm because of his erratic behaviour.
He was a danger to himself and udders.
I’m trying to be a sociopath, but I realized I’m not great in manipulating people.
I’m more of a so-sopath.
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
