Not sure if this should be posted in r/comedycemetery as well
What kind of medical condition causes wrinkles clothes?
An iron deficiency.
I went to the doctor and he said i was going deaf.
It's been 3 weeks and I have not heard from him since.
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
So she can moan with the other.
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons tries to board an airplane…
The stewardess stops him and says "I'm sorry sir, you're only one carrion per passenger!"
Do you remember Limewire? You might have ruined your parents computer but it was worth it
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0kSU9d-PfMY
What’s funnier than hearing a joke once?
Hearing it twice. What's funnier than hearing a joke once? Hearing it twice.
My daughter thinks I’m overprotective and nosy
At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
What’s the best part about fingering a gypsy on her period?
You get your palm red for free
Today I asked a girl at the gym what her new year’s resolution was
She said: To stop seeing the same joke over and over in r/jokes. Oh, and also fuck you.
We need to uninstall 2020 and then try reinstalling it
The current version has a nasty virus
I have an EpiPen
My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
Dwayne Johnson locked eyes with Medusa
nothing happened
Dad jokes meet dog jokes
Do you know why redwood is the favorite tree species of every dog? It has the thickest bark.
If you drive a Tesla, but it gets stolen…
…does that make it an Edison?
What does a turtle do on their birthday?
They shellabrate
What was Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination?
HAND EEEEEEEEYE!!!….
What did the mute man say to the bartender?
No text found
A Priest, a thief, a Jewish schoolboy and Irishman die in a car crash…
They stand before Saint Peter at the gates of heaven. Saint Peter looks at them and appears confused. "My children" he says "There has been a mistake, you were not supposed to die today. I will allow you one more chance at life as long as you promise to love out the rest of your existence free of sin". Eager to return to their lives the men all agree, and POOF they appear back on Earth. They stand awestruck, wondering if what they had just experienced was real or just a dream. The thief notices a woman walking with an expensive looking purse. Convinced that he had only imagined the gates of heaven he rushes and attempts to steal the purse and POOF he disappears. Realizing what just happened the others understand that they must truly live without sin. The Irishman looks to his left and sees a pub. "One drink won't hurt" he says as he orders a pint. He lifts the cup to his lips and POOF he disappears. The Jewish schoolboy looks down and sees a coin that fell from the vanishing Irishman's pocket. He bends down to pick it up, fully aware that greed is a sin, and POOF the priest disappears.
I can sympathize with batteries.
I never get included in anything either.
I’ve been shrunken down to the size of a data cell and shoved into an iPod.
It would appear I'm in a bit of a jam.
An Xbox One and a PS4 get attacked… Here comes the ambulance!!!
WiiU! WiiU! WiiU! WiiU! WiiU!
My doctor said I was going deaf.
Haven't heard from him since.
What did Sean Connery say when a book fell on his head?
"I only have my shelf to blame…"
Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?
Because they'd be called bagels if they flew over the bay…
Why does Batman wear Dark clothing?
Batman doesn't want to get shot. Why does Robin wear bright clothing? Batman doesn't want to get shot.
I felt sorry for the hypnotist
I saw last night. He hypnotized 7 guys, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "FU*K ME" What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.
What does America have that Canada doesn’t?
Nice neighbors.
The wife of a wealthy business man calls their butler into her bedroom while her husband is away on a trip for work
"Jeeves," she says at once, "take off my dress." "Yes madam!" He replies, unbuttoning the top of her dress and watching it fall to the floor. "Now, I want you to take off my bra." "Oh, yes ma'am!" replies Jeeves, unhooking the front clasp of the fancy lace bra and throwing it carelessly to the side. "And Jeeves, remove my panties." "Yes ma'am!" replies the butler as he slides the black silk thong onto the floor. "Now Jeeves," says the woman, "the next time I catch you wearing my clothes you're fired!"
If I got a nickel for every time I had sex
My pimp would beat my ass
What would happen if americans switched to kilograms overnight?
Mass confusion.
What’s the fastest way for Harry Potter to get down the mountain?
Running, jk rowling
How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?
None they just beat the room for being black
My neighbor is a 90 year old with alzheimer’s, I see him every morning and he asks me If I’ve seen his wife. Everyday I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question
But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.