Not the most tasteful mug with what’s going on in Australia right now…
British Person: āIām bri ishā
āI guess you drank the tā
Did you hear about McDonald’s trying to get into the steakhouse market?
It was a big McSteak.
As a lumberjack i know i have cut down 2,718 trees.
Because every time I cut one down I keep a log.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it…
…then my illegal logging business is a success. This repost has been brought to you by r/ModMurder for the means of a challenge
A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to many doctors over the years, but none of them could help him. Finally one doctor said to him “I believe I found the reason for your stuttering”.
The man asked, "Waah.. waaah.. waah.. what is my pro… proo… problem?" The doctor replied, "Your penis is very, very large. The weight of your penis is causing a strain on your larynx, and this results in your stuttering. The only solution to this is to perform a penis transplant." The man was really tired of his stuttering, so he agreed to a transplant. Several days later the doctor called the man up and informed him that they have found a suitable donor. The transplant operation was successfully performed and the man could speak without any stutter. At first he was happy, but after a while he began to miss his large penis, and how the girls used to love it. He finally went back to his doctor and said, "Doctor, I am grateful for the opportunity you have given me to speak without a stutter, but I miss my old penis. Please find the transplant donor and tell him that we have to exchange penises back." The doctor shook his head and replied, "Tha…thaaa…that's im… immm… imm… po.. po.. pooo.. impossible!"
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub.
But it's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
A girl told me her pussy tasted like a rainbow
Found out she meant trout, not Skittles
Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock?
Time will tell.
How To Date During A Corona Virus Lock Down And Quarantine & Best Date Ideas To Do When Everything Is Shut Down.
https://youtu.be/r_yF1FNcH4Q
I love to tell dad jokes
Sometimes he even laughs
Where do you go to buy used coffee machines?
Keurigslist
The FBI had an open position for an assassin
The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair… we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.' Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.
I used to date a baker
But I broke up with her because she was too kneady.
Iāve been trying to come up with jokes about people who donāt exercise
But none of them work out
How would you define propaganda?
When a British person gets a really good look at something.
engrained
engrained
A husband notices his wifeās hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.
āI canāt speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old ageā he says to the doc. āThereās a simple trick you can try to determine her hearingā explains the doctor. āSimply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesnāt hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she doesā. That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, āwhat a perfect opportunity to test her hearingā. He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks; āWhatās for dinner honey?ā No answer. He moves closer. āWhatās for dinner honey?ā Still no answer. He moves even closer. āWhatās for dinner honey?ā Still his wife doesnāt answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife. āWhatās for dinner honey?ā āFOR THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME WEāRE HAVING CHICKENā