Not the time, dad
Can people stop making coronavirus jokes
I’m getting sick of them
My girlfriend is a pornstar.
Should I let her know?
You know what I hate about cliffhangers?
Find out next week on r/jokes
Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is lighter fluid.
Two cows standing in a field, one says to the other “you worried about that mad cow disease?”
The other cow says "no I'm a penguin"
I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings…
I have a complex complex complex…
What do you call a stolen Tesla?
An Edison.
When is the best time to commit suicide?
Ate a glock in the morning.
As I looked into her eyes, I felt my knees go weak and butterflies in my stomach.
That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!
I quit my job as a postman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”
I was walking with my girlfriend when a random guy whistled at her and said, “Nice ass”. She was clearly annoyed and demanded I say something.
So I turned around and said, "Thank you I've been doing squats."
I went to visit a psychic,
I knocked on her front door and she yelled “Who is it”? So I left
Why isn’t your nose 12 inches?
Because then it would be a foot
Why some of us might drink…..
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ?" Is your daddy home?" he asked " Yes ," whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?" The child whispered, " No ." Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ." "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ." Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" " Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ". Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" " No, he's busy ", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" " Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" " A helicopter " answered the whispering voice. "What ! is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ." Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle… " ME!."
Remember when plastic surgery was taboo?
Now if you mention Botox, no one even raises an eyebrow.
I added Paul Walker as a friend on X-box…
But he spends all his time on his dashboard
Please never ask me if something is electric
Because I only have one response and it's "boogie oogie oogie".
Do you know what is the worst part about being an egg?
You get laid only once
My boss fired me for making jokes about Asians again
It was the end of my Korea
What did the redditor say after robbing a jewellery store?
Edit:OMG thanks for the silver Edit 2:WTF OMG thanks for the gold EDIT 3:OMFG THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE PLATINUM
