not the way to get ahead
Told my kids I’m allergic to prison…
My kids were discussing allergies at the dinner table. I told them I'm allergic to prison… because it always causes me to break out. Usually my dad jokes are met with awkward silence. This one however got a few legit chuckles. π
I hope Elon Musk never gets caught up in a major scandal
I just imagine Elon-Gate would be really drawn out….
You shouldn’t fart in the Apple Store
because they have no windows
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses…
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. Heβs not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. βI think my friend is dead!β he yells. βWhat can I do?β The operator says, βCalm down. First, letβs make sure heβs dead.β Thereβs a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, βOK, now what?β
Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa
Because tomorrow he turns 81!
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetterβ¦
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me. I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."
Still no toilet paper at the store today…
My dad said theyβre wiped out
I threw a boomerang a few years ago..
I now live in constant fear.
A chemical warehouse was robbed at gunpoint, the assailants cleaned out all stores of substances with pH above 7.
"All your base are belong to us"
I called two girls hipsters and got slapped
Apparently the polite term is conjoined twins
It makes sense that Minecraft appeals to kids.
I mean, they are Minors.
Upper, lower class too and for girls too ! You better understand the template
https://ift.tt/2AGSiqQ
I was at a really emotional wedding today…
Even the cake was in tiers.
What do you call a farm when none of the cows give milk?
An udder disaster.
Why donβt you hear psychiatrists when they go to the bathroom?
The p is silent.
Why dont eagles and eels breed?
Because its eeleagle.
Guys, to be Frank…
…. I would have to change my name.
Police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. Says heβs looking for two child molesters.
Catholic priests looking at each other: Weβll do it!
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet ?
Because they lactose
Why does a duck have feathers?
To cover its butt quack.
Helen Keller was truly an inspiration,
She was able to learn how to read and write despite being from Alabama
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!”
I said, "People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer!"
If I have twin daughters, Iβll name one Kate.
And Iβll name the other DupliKate.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Trying to write some clean jokes about bowling balls
but they keep ending up in the gutter.
How many magicians does it take to pull a rabbit out of a hat?
One. It's a trick question.
My son didn’t cope well with going to jail.
He refused to eat or drink anything. He swore at everyone and covered his room with his own shit. After that, we never played Monopoly again.
How long does it take to master the art of Italian cooking?
Time cannoli tell
I have an EpiPen
My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.