Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, idiot!”
Shomething sheemsh Amish
I dont know how you sleep at night
You’re still using fowl language.
This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said “I need to pass through the cemetery but I’m scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?”
I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."
I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”
I Hershey kisses good too
Man being a teacher is hard
His next poop could spell disaster.
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
His name is Rick O’Shea.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, “The baby’s coming! Don’t stop the car! Won’t make it! WON’T! CAN’T!”
"Driver, hurry!" I cried. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
At the bar sits a drunken Irish man. As the two women approach, the Irish man sees them and exclaims: "Ah, two fine lassies from Ireland!" Defiantly, one responds "It's Wales!" The man corrects himself, "Ah, two fine whales from Ireland!"
I replied, "Yes of course, that'd be 20 cows."
Global chaos ensues. The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.
He sits down, holds up 2 fingers and says, “Five beers please.”
Me: I'm a Harp Host: Your costume's too small. Me: Are you calling me a Lyre?
Then I just thought, it's meaningless.
She said it rang a bell but wasn't sure if it was there or not.
My wife caught me pissing in the kitchen sink, and got really mad at me. “You fucking prick, that’s so inappropriate!” she screamed. “Well, so is washing the baby in there, but I don’t angry at you about that!” I shouted back.
I think she realised she'd lost the argument, because she didn't even reply. She just lifted the baby out of the sink and went upstairs…
Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa… naked.
I hope he isnt beating himself up over this
Y'know, one would have been enough.
About how long should it take for them to grow back?
That must be why everyone calls him the 'supreme reader'.
You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors, or art students calling themselves unemployed.
Do they die hard?
It goes back four seconds.
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One, we are efficient and devoid of humor
if you're the best man at your buddy's second wedding.