Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, idiot!”
What did Sean Connery say when he saw a horse and buggy on the road?
Shomething sheemsh Amish
To the person who stole my lamp, my coffee and my parrot:
I dont know how you sleep at night
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects ‘fuck’ to ‘duck’
You’re still using fowl language.
This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said “I need to pass through the cemetery but I’m scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?”
I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."
I quit my job as a postman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”
My dream girl is made of chocolate
I Hershey kisses good too
I wanna try asking out my school crush, but it might come off as awkward
Man being a teacher is hard
My dog accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles today..
His next poop could spell disaster.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
I have an Irish friend with a great personality that always bounces off the walls.
His name is Rick O’Shea.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, “The baby’s coming! Don’t stop the car! Won’t make it! WON’T! CAN’T!”
"Driver, hurry!" I cried. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
What do you call a fat psychic?
A 4-chin-teller
What do you call a Communist sniper?
A Marx-man
Two plus sized woman walk into a bar
At the bar sits a drunken Irish man. As the two women approach, the Irish man sees them and exclaims: "Ah, two fine lassies from Ireland!" Defiantly, one responds "It's Wales!" The man corrects himself, "Ah, two fine whales from Ireland!"
I was in New Mexico and a cowboy asked me if I could help round up 18 cows.
I replied, "Yes of course, that'd be 20 cows."
Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas.
Global chaos ensues. The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.
A Roman walks into a bar.
He sits down, holds up 2 fingers and says, “Five beers please.”
Host: What are you?
Me: I'm a Harp Host: Your costume's too small. Me: Are you calling me a Lyre?
I was going to study Nietzsche’s philosophy.
Then I just thought, it's meaningless.
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s Dog and Schrodinger’s Cat
She said it rang a bell but wasn't sure if it was there or not.
“Congratulations to drugs, who for another year in a row, has won the war on drugs”
https://ift.tt/35dOdVi
My wife caught me pissing in the kitchen sink, and got really mad at me. “You fucking prick, that’s so inappropriate!” she screamed. “Well, so is washing the baby in there, but I don’t angry at you about that!” I shouted back.
I think she realised she'd lost the argument, because she didn't even reply. She just lifted the baby out of the sink and went upstairs…
Why did I get divorced?
Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa… naked.
Jussie smollet had to pay 10,000 to chicago and do community service to get his charges dropped…
I hope he isnt beating himself up over this
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
Y'know, one would have been enough.
So, no nut November has been over for about a week…
About how long should it take for them to grow back?
They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book
That must be why everyone calls him the 'supreme reader'.
It annoys me when Engineering students call themselves Engineers…
You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors, or art students calling themselves unemployed.
If a person overdoeses on Viagra
Do they die hard?
What does a clock do when it’s hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
No text found
How many germans does it take to change the lightbulb.
One, we are efficient and devoid of humor
“Welcome back, everybody” is apparently not a good way to start your speech
if you're the best man at your buddy's second wedding.
