Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, idiot!”
I was well on my way to becoming a millionaire
I had a sex toy business that specialized in gold plated butt plugs. One day I got a cease and desist letter from Apple. Apparently they hold the patent on overpriced shit for assholes.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands.
Why did the teddy bear say “no” to dessert?
Because she was stuffed.
Did you know that Diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in the jeans
If I had to rate our solar system
I'd give it 1 star
During WW2, three generals were arguing who had the bravest soldiers.
The British general called one of his men over. “Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.” “Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running. He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, took aim and fired, destroying the tank all the while under heavy fire from the enemy trenches. “See, British soldiers are the bravest.” “That’s nothing” said the Russian General “Comrade! See that enemy soldier manning that machine gun there? Run across the mines into the trenches and kill him with a knife.” “Da, Comrade General!” The russian soldier bravely charges across the minefield under heavy fire, jumped into the trenches fought his way through many enemy soldier then being shot many times from the machine gun nest before reaching that soldier and slicing his throat after a bloody brawl. “Nobody more brave than Russian soldier.” The American general, unimpressed said “Let me show you all what real courage is.” He calls one of his men over. “Private! See that enemy command post over there? I want you to run naked across the minefields, fight your way through the trenches, go to the command post and kill the commanding officer bare handed!” Without hesitation, the American soldier flips him the bird and says “Go fuck yourself, General.” “See! Now that takes some real balls!”
What did the baby corn say to the momma corn?
Where's pop corn?
My ex called me angrily and said, “Are you fucking stupid?”
I said, “No. I used to, but we broke up, remember?”
I found out that my Toaster wasn’t waterproof…
I was in complete Shock.
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry
A cloud is trying to be cool.
He's being smog
A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.
He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him. "Quiero calcetines," said the man. "I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl. "No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man. "Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl. "No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man. "I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl. "No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines," insisted the man. "These sweaters are top quality," the salesgirl probed. "No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines," said the man. "Our undershirts are over here," fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience. "No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines," the man repeated. As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Eso sí que es!" "Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!" yelled the salesgirl.
My friends caught me listening to an audiobook of the digits of pi…
and I never heard the end of it…
For nearly a year I have been investing heavily in stocks
That’s chicken, beef and vegetable. Soon I will be a bouillionaire!
My doctor recently wrote me a prescription for daily sex.
My wife seems to think it's for dyslexia.
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
A dad walks in on his daughter having sex with her boyfriend. The girl, startled, says, “I’m sorry, Dad.”
Dad, to her: Hi Sorry, I’m Dad. Then he turns to the boyfriend and says, “Are you fucking sorry?”
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
We should make it a rule not to post any jokes about the un-employed here
They just don't work
Australians don’t have sex
They mate
I don’t understand why people celebrate pi day
It’s irrational.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
There was a psychic midget who broke out of jail
The news headline was there is a small medium at large
Why is it rude to fart in church?
Because of everyone else that has to sit in your pew.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
A girl reached into my pants today and said
I know there is a joke here but I can't find it.
Australians dont reproduce
They mate
Last night I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
I asked my wife why she never tells me when she orgasms
She told me she doesn't want to bother me while I'm at work.
I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun
I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked, "Babes, Jabba the Hutt is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed, "Fuck you asshole" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"
Can you believe I was thrown out of my church for claiming Jesus spoke with a lisp?
It was a real slap in the faith…
I can’t find my “Gone in 60 seconds” DVD
It was here a minute ago
3 weeks ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair
I've heard nothing since.
Wife: “I’m pregnant.”
Me: “Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad.” Wife: “No you’re not.”
NSFW can you give someone a skin graft from your butt?
Ass skin for a friend
Why don’t vampires bet on horses?
They can't handle the stakes.
What’s another name for Vampires?
Neck-romancer
Why do keyboards never sleep?
Because they have 2 Shifts…
