not used to being curved like that
Why are there no Walmarts in Afghanistan?
Because they're all Targets.
A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita.
They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but Im glad she slapped him." The Project manager is sitting there thinking, "I didnt know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadnt missed him when she slapped me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking, "Im glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!" The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!"
[NSFW] Did you hear about the drug addicted duck?
It couldn’t stop getting high on quack
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
“You know, one would have been enough.”
My friend refused to believe he was gay and a dyslexic.
He was in Daniel.
I’m terrified of random letters
me: i'm terrified of random letters therapist: you are? me: [screams] therapist: oh i see me: [screaming intensifies]
I Don’t Understand Why People Have Been Hating On The Police.
Roxanne is a really good song.
Whenever I’m asked “What happened in 1492?”, people are always surprised by my answer.
Nobody expects "The Spanish Inquisition".
“Sometime it takes all the ugliness inside to look beautiful outside” – r/im14andthisisdeep
https://ift.tt/359eO6e
Math is like a box of chocolates
It's better to use your fingers
You know you’ve done something wrong when your computer starts REEEEEEEing at you
https://ift.tt/34on0i2
It’s surprising flat earthers are still using money.
You’d think they’d have concern over it making the world go round. EDIT: Thanks for the silver kind stranger! It’s made my world go round.
So I woke up to a blowjob this morning
It's the last time I sleep on the train with my mouth open
I threw my iPhone into a lake the other day and…
…it’s still syncing.
Will glass coffins be a success???
Remains to be seen.
What do you call a T-rex that sells guns?
A small arms dealer!
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it
It's true I saw it with my own eyes
I have an irrational fear of empty spaces
Nothing scares me
Why do insomniacs have dirty floors?
They have trouble sweeping..
I was so bored that I memorized six pages of a dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
Steven Hawking said there is no God,
Then God said there is no Steven Hawking
Puns make me numb
Math puns make me number
This girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture.
I told her that I am looking for matches.
This guy walked up to the counter and said ‘Burger and chips please,’
'Certainly sir,' I replied. 'Are you eating in or taking out?' 'Fuck off you cunt,' he snapped, before walking off with his food. I love working in the prison canteen.
3d printers can print guns now
Not impressed. Had a canon printer for years.
From my 9yo. How do you tell someone was cutting wood?
You saw-dust. (There were exaggerated winks after. And a elbow to the ribs. It was glorious)
A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband
A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
What’s the difference between a Leopard and a Jaguar?
Thousands of miles.
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident…
In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer? Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the…" "I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road." The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie." Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?' Now what the fuck would you say?"
Hey kids! I put that Waze app in charge of my music playlist.
It keeps telling me to take the Backstreet Boys!
My buddy said ‘There’s only one thing about Halloween that scares me.’
I asked, 'Which is?' 'Exactly', he replied.
A nun, a priest, and a rabbi…..
are on a sinking ship. They are getting in a lifeboat… Nun: “Shouldn’t we let the children leave first?” Rabbi: “Fuck the children.” Priest: “Do you think we have the time?”
I was fired from my last job because they searched my desk and found coke
But who wants to work at Pepsi Co anyways
What do you call a shoe made from a banana?
A slipper!
Did you know Adam and Eve never had a date?
It was actually an apple.