Not wrong tho
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need it to go skydiving TWICE.
So sick of double standards these days.
When a dog licks his balls in public, nobody says anything. But when I do it, people yell "what are you doing to your dog, you sick fuck?"
If I could be any super hero, I would be Aluminum Man…
…my super power would be foiling crime.
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water
If it sinks, girl ant and if it floats, buoyant
If I had a Delorean…
I would probably only drive it from time to time.
What’s the difference between yogurt and America?
If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it develops a culture
My wife locked me outside the house because she got sick of my terrible wordplay jokes.
I texted her "Oh pun the door!"
I used to be in a band called “The Hinges”
We opened for The Doors
You’re so ugly that I’m going to have to stop drinking
just in case I start seeing two of you… ā
So there was this Mexican magician..
He said he could make himself disappear by the count of three. He said uno, dos and then POOF he vanished without a tres
I believe if we had a race around the world, it should end in Europe…
Toward the Finnish line
Some lettuce is better than others
It shall romaine nameless.
Why doesn’t anybody in Antarctica have covid?
Because they are ice-o-lating
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by LOOKING AT IT.
Itās true. I saw it with my own eyes.
āDad, Iām so excited. I got a B in reading!ā
Dad: Thatās a D, idiot.
Why didn’t the sperm donor have any free time?
Because he had loads to do.
My friend was telling me about the benefits of owning a telescope.
I'm thinking of looking into one.
The person who invented autocorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
I read a lengthy article about Japanese sword fighters
It's okay I can Samurais it for you.
When you say the word “poop”
your mouth moves just like your butt-hole does when you poop. The same is true for "explosive diarrhea".
Got my friend with this one, she was not too happy…
Me: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. Friend: Seriously!? Who!? Me: Uh, I can't remember… I think her name was Reese something? Friend: WITHERSPOON!!?? Me: No, it was with a knife…
Billie Eilish is officially 18 now, do you know what that means?
She's old enough to order 12 fascinating issues of Zoobooks for $19.95 if she calls 1-800-441-2400. When she calls, they'll include the bonus Elephants issue, stickers, and Tiger Poster with her order.
My mum always used to say “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”.
Nice lady, terrible surgeon.
Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away and have their shoes.
These three guys die together in a tragic accident and they all go to heaven
When they get there, St. Peter greets them and tells them, "We only have one rule here in heaven. Don't step on the ducks." So, they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It's almost impossible not to step on a duck there's so many, and though they try their utmost to avoid standing on them, the first guy soon accidentally steps on one. St. Peter then appears with the ugliest woman the guy had ever seen. St. Peter chains the woman to the guy and says to him, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!" The next day, the second guy also accidentally steps on a duck. Once again, St. Peter shows up and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains the woman to the second guy saying, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!" The third guy has observed all this and as he really doesn't want to be chained to an ugly woman for eternity, he's extremely careful where he steps. Indeed, he manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. One day though, St.Peter appears with the most gorgeous woman the guy has ever laid eyes on. She's tall, curvaceous, tanned and extremely sexy. Without a word, St. Peter chains the woman to the third guy. The guy happily says to the woman, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?" The woman replies, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
A ship carrying blue paint collided with a ship carrying red paint.
Both crews have been marooned.
