I love dry erase boards.
They're remarkable.
Why do detectives have such bad posture?
Because they always have a hunch.
In Laughter, the L comes first
The rest of the letters come aughter it.
A little kid enters the room and catches his dad masturbating
He lets a little scream out and look at his father, dumbfounded. "Don't be shocked, son. Everybody does this. Soon, you will do it too." "But… Why, daddy?" "Because my hands are starting to ache"
I was walking through a quarry…
I said to the foreman, “That sure is a big rock!” “Boulder,” he corrected me. So I stuck out my chest and shouted, “THAT SURE IS A BIG ROCK!!”
I hired an expert to exorcise my house, but I can’t afford to pay them.
Now I’m afraid they’ll come back to repossess my house.
My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in August!” I said, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers…
It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she still won’t say where she got them…
How much sperm does a gay guy have?
A buttload
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
One electron.
Have you heard about corduroy pillows?!?
They are making headlines!!!
A politician uses statistics like a drunk uses a street light.
For support, rather than illumination.
A young lady, jobless and spurned by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself.
She has nothing, no friends, no family, she just wants to end it all. And as she's about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouts, "stop! Don't do it!!" And she says, "I've nothing in this world, I might as well end it!" And he says, "Listen, listen. It's a rotten world, sure. But never end the thing the lord gave us without changing everything first. I'm leaving tomorrow on a boat for Europe. I know one of the stevedores. I'll find you a place to stowaway, and we can start a new life over there. I'll make you happy. You'll make me happy. It doesn't have to be like this." And she agrees. That night they meet in darkness and he smuggles her aboard one of the lifeboats belowdeck. He brings her a blanket, and some food, and for three weeks they have this tryst. Each night he brings her a sandwich and they talk and make passionate love until the dawn. But. After the third week, the captain is doing a routine inspection belowdecks, and he hears a quiet rustling in one of the lifeboats And he pulls back the tarp and sees her, shaking in fear. "WHAT are you doing here, madam??" And she tells all, "I…I'm a stowaway! I have an…arrangement with one of the sailors on this ship. He's helping us get to Europe, and he lets me hide out in this lifeboat, smuggling me food." "And?" says the captain "And…well. He's screwing me." and the captain says, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry!"
I’ve seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help.The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door: Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T! When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me." The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry". The recommended grace before a meal is not:"Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yay God". Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St.Taffy's. Don't refer to Jesus Christ and the 12 disciples J.C. and the boys.
What’s faster, cold or hot?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
I’m reading a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for fresh prints.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
A man returns home early from work one afternoon to find his wife spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting.
“What are you doing?” the man inquires. “Err,” she stammers back. “I… um… I think I’m having a heart attack!” “Oh,” cries the gullible husband, “quick, I’ll call an ambulance!” He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialing 911, when his son Johnny appears, sobbing his little heart out. “What’s the matter, son?” asks the father. “Uncle James is in the closet with no clothes on, Daddy,” replies his tearful toddler. Enraged, the man runs back upstairs, flings open the wardrobe and finds his brother there absolutely naked, just as his son had said. “You bastard, Jim,” screams the man. “My wife is over there having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring Johnny!”
When I want to comment on an interesting thread but it got locked for some reason
When I want to comment on an interesting thread but it got locked for some reason
Guy 1: “If my boss doesn’t take back what he said to me, I’m leaving the company.” Guy 2: “What did he say?”
Guy 1: "Leave the company."
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position
as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry…we can’t hire you." "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me!" So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. "Well," said the interviewer, "that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!" "Womanizing? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses inside him
The doctor described his condition as stable!
Why did the writer have his desk next to the window?
He liked to feel the draft coming in.
I mean Pride Month is great and all…
But I was expecting more lions.
Why don’t some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't workout.
Having student loans is like being in a shitty marriage.
They fuck you once a month for 25 years, they make you feel guilty about every dollar you spend, and you spend an unhealthy amount of time wondering if you could fake your death to get out of the whole arrangement.
I made a pencil with two erasers.
To be honest, it was pointless.
A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag.
The girl replied, “Thanks for the Baghdad”
guys pray for my friend. He told me he only believed 12.5% of the bible…
he said he's an eighth theist
A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.
Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. There was dead silence… the rest of the year went quite smoothly.