Nothing much to be said, really
My wife is a body builder
She's pregnant
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Canโt say Iโm surprised.
Yesterday I asked a girl out, but she told me she had a boyfriend
I responded with "I have a math test tommorow" She looked a bit confused so I said "I thought we were listing things we could cheat on."
Did you hear about the new vegan parallel lines?
They never meat.
Her: You got a vasectomy without telling me! Are you serious?
Me: Yes, Iโm not kidding you.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax ?
For Hispanic attacks
Yoda and Obi Wan in a space ship
Obi wan asks: "are we going the right way?" Yoda answers: "off course, we are"
4 Nuns died in a car accident…
They stand before St. Peters at the pearly gates. St Peter asks the first nun: Have you ever touched a penis? The fist nun admit it: Yes, once, but only with the tip of my finger! St Peter then tell the nun: Ok, put your finger in that holy water, then I'll let you pass. He then asks the second: Have you ever touched a penis? The second one also adit: Yes, I masturbated a man once. St Peter seemed slightly disgusted, but then tells her to put her entire hand in the holy water before he allows her to pass. Sudenlly, the 4th nun goes crazy and yell: Please! Ask me that question before the nun in front of me!!!!! St Peter, confused, asks why. The 4th Nun replies: I really want to wash my mouth before she puts her ass in the holy water.
My wifeโs 32 today but Iโm only allowed to celebrate my wifeโs birthday for half a minute
After all it is her thirty second birthday
For context the bottom one was titled โa few minutes into no screen Sundayโ
https://ift.tt/30FQc5b
Why did the plane get sent to his room?
For a bad altitude
I’m thinking of starting my own business as a watchmaker.
That way I can set my own hours.
A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair.
"Fellas! My pussy is so big that I'll give $100 to anyone who has something that I can't take." A big cowboy gets up and takes off his size 16 cowboy boots and shoves them into her pussy. The boots are sucked right in. He grabs a flashlight and, that too, is sucked in. He puts his face in between her legs to get a better look and he gets sucked in. Inside he hears noises. "Is someone else in here?" he asks. "Yeah, I've been in here for a week," the voice says. "Help me find my flashlight and we can get out of here," the cowboy says. "Hell," says the other man, "help me find my keys and we can drive out."
1,2,3,4 I declare a thumb war…
…5,6,7,8 I use this hand to masturbate.
What does a magician say when hiding a dead body?
Abracadaver!
Did you hear about the guy who invented the shovel?
He just knew it would be groundbreaking.
Oh no… I copied the wrong document…
… it was an original mistake.
If a girl is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, do you think:
A. She is a prude and you have no future together. B. You two should spend more time together so she can get used to that level of openness. C. She should have sat somewhere else on the train?
A man entered his home and discovered that someone had stolen every single lamp present in the house.
He was absolutely delighted.
Did you know Paul walker had real bad dandruff before he died?
Nobody else knew until they found his head and shoulders in the glove box.
This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall…
He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?" The bartender replies, "It's a moose." The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"
r/ProgrammerHumor best of 2019 nominations thread
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Aww poor baby. Just dont buy the latest iphone or avocado toast. Youโll be fine
https://ift.tt/2PTlS1L
THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD…
How bad is it you ask? So bad, THAT…. My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. CEO's are now playing miniature golf. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. I saw a Mormon with only one wife. McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer. Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names. A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico. A picture is now only worth 200 words. When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room. The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates. And, finally… I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck!
Unlike Fathers day, Son day is celebrated every week
No text found
My girlfriend changed a lot after she became vegan.
Its like I've never seen herbivore.
Did you hear the one about the Jew?
Israeli funny
My mom sent me this one and unironically said it might as well be true nowadays…
https://ift.tt/2PLChDH
My brother just updated his status to “I love my girlfriend <3".
I always knew he liked them young, but this is fucking ridiculous.
A Construction Company
A construction company was once working on a large corporate building. The manager was overseeing it's construction, making sure every beam was squared and every brick was the right shade. After all, he had even hired artists to add bright murals to the place. Halfway through the making of this, a worker approached the manager. The worker says, "Sir, isn't this building a bit colorful for a corporate workplace? I mean, we can barely transport all this dye with the forklift!" To which the manager replies, "Not to worry my friend! It'll work! You just need to expand your pallet!"
I call my hand Handy and my foot Footy. What do I call my dick?
Useful. Because it always comes in Handy.
David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. “Itโs a pleasure to serve you Mr Hasselhoff,โ said the bartender.
โJust call me Hoff,โ he replied.ย โSure,โ said the bartender. โNo hassle.โ