Nothing to see here just a normal Instagram meme page
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
My friends star sign was cancer and it was quite ironic how he died really
He was attacked by a giant crab
My wife packed my bags and kicked me out of the house.
As I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
Two cars get into a minor crash, the cars a bit dented, the drivers completely fine…
The Pope gets out of one car and a rabbi gets out of the other. They are tolerant, cultured people and so there is no fight, no cussing. "God giveth, God taketh away", the Pope says. "Things come and things go", the rabbi replies and asks, "Shall we have a drink over our misfortune?" "Don't mind if I do", the Pope says. The rabbi gets a bottle of cognac from his car and pours the Pope and himself a drink. The Pope drinks his cup, but the rabbit does not drink his. "Why aren't you drinking?" the Pope asks. "Me?" the rabbi asks, "I'll wait for the police to show up".
The ground floor of buildings are really terrible.
The next floor, however, is a different story.
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.
The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that tiny hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to slip the dying worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "That's from Grandma."
Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc on her keyboard?
Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!
I love how Pit Bull announces himself at the beginning of every song
giving us time to change the song.
“Officer, are you crying while you are writing me a ticket?”
Cop: It’s a…moving violation.
My wife got me a hideous leather jacket, but I don’t mind wearing it.
I’m easily suede.
How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb?
Why must it be a group activity?
The people in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones!
But the people in Abu Dhabi do!
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because its cheaper
A kiss can make your day
But anal will make your hole weak
Got a new job at the guillotine factory.
I'll beheading there shortly.
Why did the can crusher quit his job?
Because it was soda pressing.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar…
The rabbit says, “I think I might be a typo.”
I received a letter the other day saying my tax return was ‘outstanding’.
Although it's lovely to receive such high praise from HMRC, to be honest I can't even remember sending one in.
My neighbor got busted for growing weed…
Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought
A child asks his dad, what does a solar eclipse mean.
His dad replied, "no son".
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
My girlfriend is a pornstar
She is going to be very pissed when she finds out.
An alcoholic wakes up in jail.
He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" "For drinking," replies the officer. "Great," says the man, "when do we start?"
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent.
“You the bomb.” “No, you the bomb.”
A compliment in America. An argument in the Middle East.
I don’t always install solar panels for free…
But this ones on the house
A sweet and innocent young Italian girl gets married, but the girl’s mother lives downstairs.
The girl has never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running downstairs. “Momma, Momma,” she cries. “I can’t believe it! He has hair all over his chest! What should I do?” The mother is making spaghetti sauce. She stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says, “Hair on his chest? He’s your husband, it’s your wedding night, go upstairs.” When the girl gets back upstairs, the man takes off his pants. This sends her running back down to her mother: “Momma, Momma! He has hair all over his legs! What should I do?” The mother stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says: “Hair on his legs? He’s your husband, it’s your wedding night, go upstairs.” The girl goes back upstairs, and the man takes off his shoes and socks. She looks down and sees that half of one of his feet is missing. She goes crying back down the stairs: “Momma, Momma! He’s got a foot and a half! What should I do?” The mother hands her daughter the spoon and says: “A foot and a half? Here, you stir the sauce. I’ll go upstairs.”
I made my son some scrambled eggs and as he was eating them I turned to him and said
Are they all they were cracked up to be?
A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to many doctors over the years, but none of them could help him. Finally one doctor said to him “I believe I found the reason for your stuttering”.
The man asked, "Waah.. waaah.. waah.. what is my pro… proo… problem?" The doctor replied, "Your penis is very, very large. The weight of your penis is causing a strain on your larynx, and this results in your stuttering. The only solution to this is to perform a penis transplant." The man was really tired of his stuttering, so he agreed to a transplant. Several days later the doctor called the man up and informed him that they have found a suitable donor. The transplant operation was successfully performed and the man could speak without any stutter. At first he was happy, but after a while he began to miss his large penis, and how the girls used to love it. He finally went back to his doctor and said, "Doctor, I am grateful for the opportunity you have given me to speak without a stutter, but I miss my old penis. Please find the transplant donor and tell him that we have to exchange penises back." The doctor shook his head and replied, "Tha…thaaa…that's im… immm… imm… po.. po.. pooo.. impossible!"
I lift weights only on Saturday and Sunday…
…because Monday to Friday are weak days…
Why was F jealous of C?
Because it was hotter
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are seeing a marriage counselor… counselor ask’s Mickey, “let me get this straight – you want a divorce because you say Minnie is silly?”
To which Mickey responds “no, I said she was FUCKING GOOFY”
This asparagus is just…
a spear, I guess.
America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona
By keeping the first one going
