Nothing worse than someone that can actually read and sound coherent
It was here a minute ago
Dad: In the US Son: Which part? Dad: What "which part", my whole body was born in the US
A small medium at large
Yesterday, I found out my girlfriend is cheating on me with the primary doctor at her hospital. So from now on, I’ll be giving her an apple for lunch everyday. That oughta do the trick.
*break bread* This is my body *pours wine* This is my blood *open jar of mayo* Judas: I'm gonna stop you right there
There would be a mass confusion
The suspension is killing me.
Husband : [peeing on jellyfish] This is for stinging my wife
They both slap harder when mixed with alcohol.
"But I never went to college." "Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here."
I said, “We just got here. How lazy are you?”
Judge: “First offender?” Lady: “No first a Gibson, then a Fender.”
A cop pulls over a car with two priests. The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”
The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop. “We’ll do it.”
At any moment, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away…
He yelled back, "Nah, I didn't pay for my haircut!"
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs…phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving, around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all? I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property, then accused me of trying to spy on her. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover. So…is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer?
I told him to stop discriminating against other cultures.
Because you pull the Bonaparte.
From a distance they looked like hares.
"No sir it'll be round." *joke courtesy of a local restaurant
It's a day care scenter.
A man goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The server sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it will cut through over 100 trees in one day.
The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees but after working for hours he only cuts down two trees. “How can I cut for hours and hours and only finish two trees?” he asks himself. Next day the man brings the chainsaw back to the store and says it doesn’t work properly. “Hmm, it looks okay,” says the server, and starts the chainsaw. The man jumps back in shock and cries, “What’s that noise?”
The cow didn't make it.
Sometimes he even laughs!
A paragraph, because he's only a short ese.
That's Crossing the Border
An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician…
"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy." The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!" He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers. "Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy." The man continues to keep his cool. "I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!" He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society. "Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician. The spy smirks. "But I still think you American spy." The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed. He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!" The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest. The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka. After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar. In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good… but I still think you are spy." The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up. "Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?" The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."
This is going to be one hell of a week.
Thog don’t care
It was the end of my Korea
Have another one say "Bingo!"
Add spring water.
If they groan, I say, “I think I took this joke too far.”
One boy says to the other, “is this whiskey?” The other boy replies, “yes, but not as whiskey as wobbin a bank.”
“Pop” goes the weasel.
…to meet the new mortician…