Notice at my work. Thought it belonged here.
My cousin tries to keep posting jokes on this sub, but gets repeatedly banned by the mods.
He’s my cousin, twice [removed].
Why is the horse so happy?
Because he lives in a stable environment.
I own only two types of clothes— I wear my gym clothes when I exercise.
For formal occasions, I wear my James clothes.
What’s the cutest season?
Awwwtumn.
Does my wife think I’m a control freak?
I haven’t decided yet…
Does length matter? Short answer: no.
Long answer: yes.
Does this creepy lighter that I found in an antique shop today count as Boomer Humor?
https://ift.tt/37jjVAQ
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down…
You have my Word.
Pizza clerk: We have a special today – buy one pizza, get the second one free
Dad: Then we'll just have the second one !
Color vs Colour, Favorite vs Favourite, Neighbor vs Neighbour
British English: I think you're having problem understanding these words. American English: no u
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a odd-job man and started with a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
I have to pay for a bus ticket?
I guess it's only fare
Canada could have had it all: American industry, British Culture, and French Cuisine.
Instead, they got: French Industry, American culture, and British cuisine
As I expected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Old Turkish joke
One day Temel, the truck driver, while driving down a hill realizes that his brakes are not working. The truck is going faster and faster, until he reaches an intersection. Temel looks around. On his right, there is a child; on his left, there is a bazaar with more than 100 people. As a “clever” man, Temel chooses to drive towards the child instead of the bazaar. However, the next day, newspaper headlines read “TEMEL DROVE HIS TRUCK INTO THE BAZAAR, 40 KILLED, 35 INJURED”. They ask Temel: “How come you commit such an act?” Temel answers: “Everything happened when the child started to run towards the bazaar”.
Because your side projects are just an excuse to make a new framework, right?
https://ift.tt/2Xz0fqE
It’s a conversation between me and my 6 y o cousin…Sorry if it is not funny enough for you
him: Knock knock me: Who's there? him: A snail me: a snail who? him: a snail you threw out of the window two weeks ago asking why
Sam walks into his boss’s office.
“Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.” After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave. “By the way”, asks the boss as Sam is getting up, “which three companies are after you?” “The electric company, water company, and phone company”, Sam replied.
I still remember my childhood fondly, when my dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.
Those were the Good Years.
Dieting is really easy
As long as you're poor
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair." "What I want you to do…" the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong." So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
I shot my first turkey today…
Scared the heck out of everyone else in the frozen food section.
Why should you never fight a dinosaur
You will get jurasskicked
I was adopted. My father found me on a poker table.
He said "I see you and I raise you."
Why is a group of crows called a “murder”?
because there's probable caws
I’d be a terrible NASCAR driver
because I'm always right.
I was going to tell a time-travel joke
but you guys didn't like it
Yesterday I called the suicide hotline, and they didn’t pick up
Way to leave me hanging guys
There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..
Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in. Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the pirates wouldn't then go all cannons and cutlass on their prey. Instead, they would signal over to the merchant vessel, offering to repair the damage to their ship for but a small fee. Having barely survived the storm and taking in more water than they could bail, the crew of the merchant vessels would readily agree. Once payment had been made, the Pirate Captain would send five of his own crew to board the merchant vessel, along with a large wooden crate of tools. They would then proceed below decks and start work. Unbeknownst to the crew of the merchant vessel, two of the Captain's most stealthiest pirates were hiding in the large wooden crate of tools. Once below decks, they would pop out and get to work too, raiding the hold of the merchant vessel and taking all the valuables, jewels and gold pieces they could get their hands on. Quickly tossing their spoils into the large wooden crate, the other two would then work alongside the other five once the crate was full. When the repairs were complete and the seven crewmen had returned with the crate full of booty, the pirate ship would depart as swiftly as it had arrived, before the the crew of the merchant vessel noticed anything was missing. Bragging about his ill-gotten gains amassed using this tactic, the Pirate Captain was booed and jeered at by his counterparts for employing such dishonourable methods. His reply? "Arrr.. it's not loot-boxes I be using! They be the surprise mechanics, and they be quite ethical.."
It’s amazing how Seasons work. I’m in Japan, it’s mid December and I’m freezing…
But apparently back in the England it's the end of May.
A barber in my town was arrested for illegal drug trade. It was shocking, I have been his customer for years.
Never knew he was a barber.
