Notice the difference
xi jinping has coronavirus
He is now called winnie the flu
Why are dad jokes like sex?
Because hearing someone else groan means you are doing a good job.
I’ve been searching for my ex wife’s killer for the past two years.
No one is willing to do it.
Did you hear about what happened to the guy from the keyboard factory?
He was fired for not putting in enough Shifts.
So I told my friend that this guy that hosted a party had a golden toilet
He didn't believe me one bit. So we went to the guy's house and when the door opened, it was his mother. We asked if I could show my friend your golden toilet because he doesn't believe it. She looked at me for a while, then shouted back into the house, "Rick, the guy who shit in your trumpet is here!"
If a Pomeranian looked Medusa in the eyes…
…it would become a pomegranite.
I was watching porn with my wife and she complained, “This is so unrealistic.”
I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.” “Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”
Why does England feel like it’s two months ahead of us?
It's only March 28th here, but in England it feels like it's the end of May.
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are. Me: Trick question… dogs can't whistle.
Everyone keeps telling me I’m the worst mailman they’ve ever seen.
Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else.
How do you collect data on how strong a river is?
You make a flowchart
I heard about a cult that worships the number zero.
Is nothing sacred?
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
My girlfriend gave me a list of things she’d like to do for her 32nd birthday
I told her there's no way we could do all that in 30 seconds.
I (31m) just had the most uncomfortable experience of my life
I've always kinda wanted an iPhone but never had one before, so I go to the Apple Store to have a look. So there I am, when this middle aged guy comes up next to me, like really close. And then he starts asking me if I like the new iPhone, what do I think about the camera, am I thinking of getting one etc and I'm like "Yeah, it's pretty good." trying to play it cool because I don't wanna give away that there's no way I could even afford one if I wanted to. But then after a while, his comments start becoming personal, first complimenting my shoes and calling me a 'strapping young lad'. Now I'm quite weirded out but figure he's just new at sales and really bad at it. But then I realised he's not a staff member, that he doesn't work there. So now I'm fully freaked out, this guy just came up to me and all up in my personal space, so I try to ignore him (but not trying to be subtle about it). I turn away, and get this, he sort of grabs my arm to turn me back and gives it a little squeeze and says something along the lines of "Ooh, you been hitting the gym yeah?". I turn to look at him and say "Excuse me, do not touch me" and quickly leave. This guy catches up to me all apologetic, saying how sorry he is and he didn't realise he was annoying me and that. And as I'm about to say "Yeah okay fine whatever", he says "Listen, here's the thing. If you give me a blowjob, I will give you this new iPhone XS" and pulls out this new iPhone, box fresh. I was flabbergasted. I genuinely thought I'd misheard him, so had to clarify and said "What? You want me to suck you off for a phone? Really?!" And he smiled and nodded. Some people are fucking disgusting. Makes me sick. Sent from my iPhone.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.
Because it's made of hide
Today was a terrible day, my Ex got hit by a bus
and I lost my job as a bus driver.
Fire is destroying a world famous landmark in Paris right now.
And there’s notre dame thing they can do about it.
A dyslexic man stormed Area 15
Authorities didn't press charges, saying "they felt bad" They thought a long sentence was the last thing he needed
I’m sick of my wife blowing everything out of proportion.
She’s single handedly ruining my balloon animal business.
“I don’t believe it. My son was invited to a sex party.”
"By?" "No, he's straight from what I know."
A dude was wondering why a rock was getting bigger
Then it hit him
I beat my swimming coach in a boxing fight.
He threw in the towels.
My son is so ungrateful,
I bought him a new trampoline for Christmas but all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!”
“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
I once saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg
I asked him: "I bet i could guess your favourite holiday" He Replied: "Have to love Easter, baby."
When I was younger my parents made me walk the plank.
We couldn't afford a dog.
I have a friend named Bob
He hates it when I say his name backwards
I keep asking what LGBTQ stands for
And I’m not getting any straight answers.
What are the letters in the Pirate alphabet?
I, I, R, and the seven Cs.
Did you hear about the burglary at the detergent factory?
The thief made a clean getaway
Why did the American start shooting the river?
He learned fish swim in schools
A man is washing his car with his son.
His son looks at him and says, “Dad…Why can’t you use a sponge?”