“Now give me my newspaper so I can read that on the can instead!”
I have come up with a strategy to keep my kids from misbehaving around Christmas time. I keep empty wrapped boxes under the tree and when one of my kids misbehaves, I throw one in the fireplace
The situation changes however, when I run out of children
Why are curious people so good at singing?
Because they inquire.
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing
But this is as close as I could get
Math is like a box of chocolates
It's better to use your fingers
Why is soy sauce forbidden in fights?
Cause you should never Kikkoman when he’s down.
What did the robber say after blowing up Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
It was sole crushing.
Was going to make a joke about childbirth…
But it's hard to deliver
How do you tell the difference between a chemistry professor and a politician?
Just ask them to read this word: unionized.
I came to work this morning and was shocked to find that our company was bought over by a firm in Madrid.
No one expects the Spanish acquisition.
A married Irishman went into the confessional…
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.” The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?” The Irishman said, “Well, we got undressed, naked and rubbed together, but then I stopped.” The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.” The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, “I saw that, You didn’t put any money in the poor box!” The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!” My mother told this joke… I dont know if its original
Satan probably has some thoughts but I think his Twitter account is currently suspended
https://ift.tt/2Uwx8mV
Well today is my first cake day.
And that means my Reddit account is older than most anti-vax kids will ever be.
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
"Are you having a crisis?"
How do you make the number one disappear?
Just add a G and it’s gone
Why do pornos always end with the guy coming?
Because it sure as hell can't start with the guy leaving.
My wife has evil lessons with Satan every week.
I don’t know how much she charges,
if you’re going to do this, just market it as an off-hour discount like everyone else
if you’re going to do this, just market it as an off-hour discount like everyone else
Whats the name of the most badass debt collector?
Bond. Legal Bond.
Sperm bank
A man and. woman are chatting in an elevator. "What are you up to today?" he asks. "I'm going down to give blood." "How much do you get paid for giving blood?" "About $20 a pint." "Hmm …," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100 a tablespoon." The woman gets a strange look on her face and gets off the elevator. The next day, they meet in the elevator again. The man asks, "So, where you off to today?" "Fmerm mank," she says, with her mouth full.
A doctor and a lawyer
During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One’s really heavy and one’s a little lighter.
Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that I’m going for a jog and then I don’t…
It’s my longest running joke of the year so far…
Brett Kavanaugh has stated that he will not be pressured into withdrawing his Supreme Court bid by the allegations made against him.
He sounds like the kind of guy who just won't take 'no' for an answer.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses…
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. “I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?” The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
Why does my cancer doctor let me phone her any time day or night?
Because she's an on-call-ogist
“Dad, can you explain to me what entropy means?”
“Sure. Let me tell you, it isn’t what it used to be.”
So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week
She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds." I asked her: "What do you think it means?" She smiled and said: "I don't know…" Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present. I still don't know why she didn't like this book called 'Dreams and their Meanings'.
My dumbass son thinks there’s the letter F is in the word ‘way’
There’s no F in way.
LPT: For your safety, try not to mess with asexual people.
They don’t fuck around.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
Will glass coffins become popular?
Remains to be seen.