Now I know why we take physics, it’s to learn how to explode school

Bob

But then it grew on me.

It sounds so foreign.

A  Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.  Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.  The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions;  Have you any grounds?  Yes, an acre and a half and a nice little home. No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?  It made of concrete.  I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?  No we have a carport, and not need one.  I mean, What are your relations like?  All my relations still in Poland  Is there any infidelity in your marriage?  We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.   Does your wife beat you up?  No, I always up before her.  Is your wife a nagger?  No, she white.  Why do you want this divorce?  She going to kill me.  What makes you think that?  I got proof.  What kind of proof?  She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put it on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say:  Polish Remover.

it was accidental

He said that the steaks were too high.

At the border, the French customs agent asks him “Name?” “Hans Mueller.” “Place of residence?” “Munich.” “Occupation?” “No, just vacation this time.”

It was a sad end, but a beautiful finish!

Great man, terrible geologist

They don’t hang themselves. Happy Halloween

Psychopaths

I grunted, “Just ignore them.”

There's always beef between them.

What a weird way to start a conversation

You get your palm red.

She’s really milking it for all it’s worth.

He orders a beer.

Most crows drank at home

or not

The just went through a grueling 31 day March.

I know he means well

Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."

I was like, 0mg!

I know, I know that’s a lot of information to swallow.

I haven’t decided yet…

“You herd me.”

A blueberry

Do seahorses scallop?

After rubbing on it, a genie pops out! The genie says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The genie asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."

“You’re running around with another woman—admit it!” she demanded. “What other woman?” Adam shot back. “You’re the only one here.” That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest. “What are you doing?” “Counting your ribs.”

Then I realized, he was one of those plane clothes cops…

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income. One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead. "There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself. The mom walks outside and sees the dad and the cow on the ground. "I can't live without my husband," she says as she shoots herself with her husband's gun. The daughter walks outside and sees her mother, father and cow dead. "I can't live any longer without my family," she says as she jumps into the river and kills herself. The oldest son, 23 years old, walks outside looking for the family and sees them all dead. "Is there anyway to bring them back," he yells at the sky. Poof! A female leprechaun appears. "I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you." The boy fucks her 3 times in a row and he dies. The middle son, 19 years old, comes out and sees the leprechaun. She gives him the same offer as his brother. "I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you." The son agrees to do it but can only do it 4 times. He dies. The youngest son, 15 years old, comes out and is given the same offer. "I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you." The son says, "What if I fuck you 10 times in a row?" The leprechaun thinks. She says, "I will bring back your family and give you my pot of gold. The son says, "What if I fuck you 20 times in a row?" She thinks again and says, "I will bring back your family, give you my pot of gold and give you a mansion." The son thinks and says, "What if I fuck you 30 times in a row?" She thinks and says, "I will bring back your family and make you the richest man in Ireland." The son says, "Wait, how do I know you will survive it?" "What do you mean?" says the leprechaun. "The cow didn't."

Because he was 2 BC.

Everyone was dribbling on it.

Because you’ll get jurasskicked.

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

When do we want them! Nooooooooooowwwwwwwwww

… and bought a bottle of whisky. I put the bottle in the bike basket but before riding back I thought: what if I fall down for some reason? The bottle will break! So I drank the whole bottle of whisky before riding home. And thank God I did, because I must have fallen down about a dozen times before I got home.